Your Premier Local News Resource
Monday August 19th 2019

Welcome to the St Neots Citizen

Providing the latest news for St Neots and the surrounding area since 2001. On and off. Mostly off. Hey, nobody's perfect. The only local news resource you need!

Local News

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining that all our local independent restaurants have closed. It is almost certain that [Read More]

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t compare the town council to the Third Reich. As the Cambridge News reported, Van [Read More]

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. Many had been puzzling for weeks why “traces of horse DNA”, rather than [Read More]

Cats & Dogs

Ooh, Friend!

Check out the St Neots Liar for your weekly news roundup from Franco and the team. The Liar brings you all the stories the Citizen didn't - and vice versa!

Ident-ify Yourself

We want your Citizen News TV idents! Make a short ident using your phone, in portrait mode, using the format "Hi, I'm [name], and this is the St Neots Citizen". Make sure you leave a short pause after your name so we can edit if needed. Why not add an amusing fact about yourself in the middle? Submit here.
We also welcome full-size (45 second) reports about the news you just found down the back of the sofa.

News In Brief?



Watch this space, you never know, it might have something in it soon

Citizen News TV

VIDEO: Fags, Horses, & Frozen Water

As the country ground to a halt due to an inch of slush this weekend, your intrepid Citizen reporters took their reasonably decent camera out and FOUND THE NEWS. Then we [Read More]

Cooking With Beans

Cooking With Teens: Poor Man’s Carbonara

We got a couple of 15-year-olds in to share their recipes. Benny T. Bean is away. [Read More]

Cooking With Beans: Spotted Dick

Resident Gastronomical genius Benny T. Bean guides us to pudding heaven [Read More]

Cooking With Beans

You all know Benny T. Bean as mysterious astrologer and South Central correspondent. But [Read More]

Keep Scrolling! There's more below...

Your Letters

Name Is Definitely Problem

Dear Sir, I recently read your fine article about [Read More]

News In Brief

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, relying instead on stories lifted directly from social media. In [Read More]

Champagne Shoplifter “Had No Taste”

Local supermarket managers have spoken out about the recent spate of theft of sparkly French booze, revealing that the so-called Champagne Shoplifter had “little or no [Read More]

Local Couple Not Planning Baby Or Cat

An Eaton Ford couple have stunned friends and family by announcing that they do not intend to have children. The revelation came following a three-year relationship which recently [Read More]


What Price Luxury?

What Price Luxury?

Dear Uncle Dave, I have a rather interesting dilemma. I have recently found reason to suspect that my teenage son has been thieving from a large supermarket on the Eastside. I was completely oblivious to the fact he was doing this and assuming that the Finest Wine, Finest Cheese and Other of theĀ Finest products were [Read More]



Resident gastronomical-astrological tramp Grubby Pete, otherwise known as Benny T. Bean, guides you through the cosmos or [Read More]

Help Me Break My Chav Habit

Help Me Break My Chav Habit

Dear Dave, I am 29 years old and addicted to sex with chavvy girls. I hang around the ramps, One Stop andĀ Co-op in [Read More]

Dream Job Dilemma

Dream Job Dilemma

Dear Dave, I have a dilemma. I have been offered my Dream Job. But the location is bound to cause a problem with my family [Read More]

Think You Can Write?

It takes years of training and dedication to become a journalist. Luckily, the St Neots Citizen requires neither of these arduous drains on your time and resources! If you want to write for the Citizen, you'll need to register as a subscriber, and then email us to upgrade your account (that's how we stop tinned meat, instead of some clever automatic bot-thing). Then - get writing! There aren't many rules, and we will edit your story for tone anyway. Even if you only have a basic idea for a story, submit it and one of our staffers will investigate and write it. Easy eh? So what are you waiting for, lazy?