Tesco "Not Mothership"
Tesco have denied claims that their St Neots store is an alien craft after Parklands residents reported an eerie green glow.
The St Neots store was recently refurbished, and was advertised as being the first in the country to get the new “green glass” look. But residents of the Parklands estate, oppostie the store, became worried that the store was not of this world.
“Well,” said Paul Capel, of Caernarvon Way, “ever since the store re-opened after it were done up, there’s been this green light shining over Eynesbury. It’s really wierd. i thought nothing of it at first but now I have heard that Bob [Smethy] from two doors down were absucted by ‘em.”
Mr Smethy, 33, claimes he was beamed aboard the store late one Friday evening when walking home from the Cambridgeshire Hunter. “I were suddenly in this big white room,” he said. “These funny little beings, some red, some blue, were talkin’ to me in a strange voice, and I couldn’t make out a word of it. There were all these beeping noises going on as well. I were packin’ me pants, I can tell ya.”
Friends of Mr Smethy, who had been drinking with him that night in the Berkley Street pub, said he was “not pissed enough to imagine something like that.”
“I were tempted,” continued Smethy, “to put it down to bein’ a bit less than sober, like. But me mates said, ‘nah Bob, y’only had about nine pints’ so I thought it probably weren’t that. Still, I weren’t too worried – it were a one-off thing and, as far as I can tell, I didn’t get probed in any way, anal or otherwise.
Then I realised – Eynesbury manor! Them poor people shellin’ out hundreds of thousands to live within the radioactive field of this spacecraft. Somebody think of the children!”
No-one from the Cheshunt, Herts, based retailer was available for interview, but their press office issued the following statement:
“As far as we are concerned, Tesco St Neots is not, and has never been, an extra-terrestrial mothership of any kind. We believe Mr Smethy’s experience was down to being intoxicated. The red and blue ‘beings’ were in fact night-shift workers in their new uniforms, and the beeping noises were of course the 24-hour checkouts.
The green glow is caused by fluorescent lighting shining through the green glass. We are working on a way to reduce this.”
Despite Tesco’s reassurances, no houses were sold on Eynesbury manor this weekend – however this may be due to flooding. mr Smethy was taken to Hinchingbrooke Hospital to be “monitored”. No black helicopters were reported in the area.
