KFC Rumours Renewed
A popular St Neots rumour, regarding KFC building a fast-food restaurant on the site of the Bell in Eaton Socon, has resurfaced in this weeks local press.
Dale E. Goszyp, of the St Neots Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot, said, “We’ve been perpetuating this rumour for years, and decided it was time to start it up again. Previous evidence has shown that if we repeat a rumour or theory for long enough, it will eventually come true.”
Ask any resident and you can often pick up the same gossip from many unconnected sources. Long-running rumours in the town, along with the KFC arrival, include Asda moving into the empty warehouse at Alpha Park and the High Street being pedestrianised – both of which are based entirely in fiction.
However, says Goszyp, not all rumours circulated by his secretive company are unfounded. “We told St Neots about Subway years before it opened, and Domino’s Pizza. We also correctly predicted the Handyman shutting down and are usually accurate with our predictions of opticians and estate agents moving into new-build empty shops.”
Eynesbury Riviera residents weren’t so sure. “Didn’t they tell us we’d be constantly flooded out?” asked Flawn Way homeowner Joyce Bergernstein. “I’ve certainly never woken up to find my cat floating down the garden path.” When the Citizen pointed out the river water swirling around her ankles she stated, “That’s just a water feature. I got the idea from Charlie Dimmock. Now where did I put my scuba gear? I need to go into my garage…”
Goszyp said that rumours and Chinese Whispers were at an all time high at the moment. Town Council leader Derek Miles said that, “It does look like KFC have put a planning application in for the Bell, which will mean the loss of yet another pub but a great opportunity to stuff your veins with cholestoral from reformed spicy chicken.” Paul Marcel was quick to point out that “Miles doesn;t have a clue. No pubs have closed down in St Neots for at least five minutes, and the Bell’s been shut for years.”
Wyboston residents were also said to be happy about the proposals. Frankie Gadsdizzle, 23, who lives in the village said, “USA Chicken’s a fuck of a long walk when you’re stoned and need some grease.” Reports that a cinema would be built next door were found to be completely untrue.
