Archive for September, 2008

St Neots Town Council today admitted that the proposed “Green Suburb” near Loves Farm was a non-starter. A spokesman said, “B&Q just don’t have that much green paint.” The DIY giant said that they would be happy to negotiate a discount on own-branded paints of other colours, but that a pink, blue and grey... »

The Citizen can exclusively report that “fragile” Councillor D Miles, 55, was yesterday escorted from the parapet of the town bridge by paramedics and police after being spotted by passers-by ranting and raving at no one in particular. Wearing just a scabby old pair of Westgates own brand underpants, MIles was apparently heard to... »

Scientists at CERN, the Swiss research facility responsible for the failed Big Bang Machines, have stunned St Neots residents by revealing that the town may not, as was previously believed, be the absolute centre of the universe. During an incident last week, when part of the Large Hadron Collider overheated by almost 100°c, a... »

It has been revealed that the propsed expansion of St Neots is part of an attempt to obtain finally get the much needed dualling of the A428. During a press conference Councillor Miles said, “In order to convince central government that the dualling is needed we have to create more traffic to use it,... »

Motorists speeding along Nelson Road are in for a shock. The council is installing the first ‘road points’ system. Those exceeding the limit will find the road switched to an exit ramp joining the A1 Councillor Steven Bakander said “They will find themselves redirected to an environment more appropriate to their speed.” Garry Wembley... »

In an apparent bid to sway public opinion in favour of the the Town Council and copy the current tactics of the Nu-Labour government, Council leader Derek Miles, speaking at the party’s monthly conference today, decided honesty was the best policy. At a hastily arranged press conference, Councillor Miles said “I’m fucking fed up... »

St Neots Town Council today denied reports that the Eynesbury On The Up campaign was anything to do with stilts and Oceans Twelve. Recent advertisements for an event Ernulf this weekend say that “Eynesbury is on the up and local residents, with support from Luminus Group, are staging a day of fun and information... »

The cohesive spirit of Europe has never been better exemplified than the twinning of the trendy new cosmopolitan Eynesbury with St Tropez, in the south of France. Councillors are eagerly packing their bags for the inaugural exchange visit, however the French contingent were apparently slightly less eager to board the plane. A representative of... »

The national furore over the lyrics to American hot babe and vocaliser and songstress Katy Perry’s tune, “I Kissed A Girl” has finally hit St Neots. Local defender of standards and former town councillor Bob Topshelf, 91, said, “They tried it in the Sixties and we fought them on the banks of the Ouse.... »

The BBC today announced that its popular show Dragons Den will be relocated to a farm just outside Ramsey – and renamed Dragons Fen. The TV Dragons, all millionaires, currently convene weekly in a London warehouse with an pointless economics reporter and massive clock in the basement. However, due to the credit crunch they... »