St Neots "Not Centre Of Universe" Claim Scientists
Scientists at CERN, the Swiss research facility responsible for the failed Big Bang Machines, have stunned St Neots residents by revealing that the town may not, as was previously believed, be the absolute centre of the universe.
During an incident last week, when part of the Large Hadron Collider overheated by almost 100°c, a copy of the 1997 Intergalactic Drivers Atlas was found whilst digging in the machine’s glove box for a fire extinguisher.
“It certainly was a surprising discovery,” said CERN spokesman Guillaume la Trec, 42. “Apparently zer as been zis atlas around for years, created by some sort of extra-terrestrial race. From what we can gather, ze centre of ze universe is in fact in a field near Swindon, on page 42.”
The news has surprised and angered many residents. Sean Forman, 42, a local pub landlord, said, “How dare these Swiss fuckers try to tell us St Neots ain’t the be all and end all of everything. If it ain’t so fantastic then why do so many people wanna live here? They ain’t building another five thousand ‘ouses for nuffink!”
St Neots residents pride themselves on the fact that they “never meant to stay for more than two years.” Apathy and inertia are well-documented phenomena in the town, and after a decade locals can expect to begin vigourously defending St Neots as the best place on Earth if any outsiders question them.
Eaton Ford man Adam Douglas, 42, agreed. “I moved here for ‘a few months’ back in 1987, and although I have moved away a couple of times, I always felt compelled to return within six months of leaving. St Neots is lovely really – we’ve got these fantastic parks, and the river…”
CERN refused to comment on the possible publishers of the atlas, but promised to look into the inertia of St Neots, if and when it solved the 42 questions currently on its list, such as the one of life, the universe and everything. “After all,” said la Trec, “some do say zat zis is ze ultimate question.”
