Locals Speculate On True Identity Of St Neots Panther
Following a spate of lamb killings on farms around the area, residents have dismissed the obvious explanation of foxes in favour of urban legends involving big cats.
It is quite normal for a number of young sheep to be eaten by natural predators before they grow up, but St Neots locals are not willing to accept the course of nature. “It’s blatantly some sort of panther or puma,” said Hail Weston man Bill Eefor, 51. “I remember a load of black cat sightings this time last year, and as far as I’m concerned that’s what has been dining on raw, woolly kebab meat this week.”
Despite over 6,281 reported sightings of the St Neots Panther, also known as the Fen Tiger, in the last seven days, a number of theories have sprung up amongst the traditionally sceptical populace of the town as to the true identity of the animal. “I reckon it’s a Muntjac deer,” said Roe Green resident Betsy Sambar, 34. “I know people say Muntjac aren’t native to the UK, and it’s a rubbish theory blah blah blah. But it’s quite obvious to me that this species of deer is traditionally from the top of Monarch Road, and not the far east. I bet there ain’t a Muntjac Close in Beijing.”
Two fourteen-year-old conspiracy theorists, who did not wish to be named, from the Milton Avenue area, said, “It’s obviously mysterious black helicopters, and something to do with the New World Order. Sheep will not be welcome after the revolution.” The fact that black helicopters were discredited as a conspiracy in 2003 was, of course, lost on the two Longsands students, who went on to tell us something about the recent banking collapses that we didn’t want to listen to.
Paxton Pits Nature Reserve ranger Dave Lion, 60, said, “Isn’t it some sort of black squirrel that’s gone a bit over-the-top on crack and grown absolutely hench as a result? The grey ones were bad enough but these black ones… they love the crack.”
Finally, Expert Scientists say the most plausible explaination for the recent sightings of black cats, which have mostly been near the A1, involve a certain roundabout.
Add your black cat sightings in the Comments section – you couldn’t make this shit up!
Does spotting the Pink Panther on TV count?