Archive for November, 2008

St Neots Town Council are hoping to alter time and possibly reality, by staging the 2007 Christmas lights switch-on this week. Last year, there was no lighting ceremony after a set of lights fell on a pedestrian’s head. But a spokesman for the council today said that rather than just leave 2007′s decorations as... »

Town Council leader Derek Miles has revealed that he is not, in fact, going insane, but has been a victim of American Soap Syndrome, or ASS. Various news sources including the Citizen have carried stories recently that cast Cllr Miles in a “delicate” frame of mind, his behaviour growing increasingly bizarre. But following investigation... »

Diddieer Droggy, African footballer and Chelski superstar is transferring to St Neots Football club. The shock news came after St Ives Town Council allowed the tradition of coin throwing at children to continue, and St Neots town council has hinted it may follow suit after emergency meetings with the owners of St Neots Town... »

Radio NeotsFM, the town’s flagship broadcaster, has been lambasted after two of its top presenters played a prank on local AmDram comedy favourite Jack Andrews. 103 year old Mr Andrews, who played Italian pot-washer Giovanni in the seminal series of Priory Centre productions “The Hotel Where Nothing Ever Went Right”, suffered a constant barrage... »

Following a break-in at the Co-op food store in Great North Road, during which intruders attempted to gain access to the contents of the cash machine using a blow-torch, the manager has claimed to have discovered “Fireproof Money”. “Yep,” said Dave Bedejaz, 42. “They scorched the cash machine and the ceiling and all sorts,... »

The Citizen understands that the Town Council has appointed the team that brought a landslide Democrat victory in the USA to run its next election campaign. In a stunning move to outflank opposition contenders changes to party representatives have already started. The citizen tracked down council leader Bereck Omilea for a comment. Sporting a... »

Ahead of the Health Check Report final result from the District Council – due out early 2009 – the Citizen can reveal some exclusively “obtained” information. Initial findings have shown the town’s inhabitants to be “quite sick”. Most people were unaware of the checks being carried out on them, and therefore the findings were... »

The Citizen has successfully avoided court – and therefore won by default – following a cease-and-desist notice from a local with no sense of humour. “I’m delighted with the outcome,” said Citizen Editor Tim C after remaining tight-lipped – and unpublished – for the last week. “Obviously I’d love to tell you who was... »

In a Citizen exclusive we can reveal the local residents have managed to successfully raise a lot of money by ‘giving a penny for the guy’. It has apparently become a tradition for some youths to go around before bonfire night with a flammable effigy of a locally disliked figure. We caught up with... »

Local youths in St Neots are, according to a spokesman, attempting to break a world record in baking cakes. Over the past week teenagers have been seen coming out of shops with packs of eggs and flour. When questioned one anonymous fellow said, “Er, me and a load of others are planning to bake... »