Health Check Results Revealed
Ahead of the Health Check Report final result from the District Council – due out early 2009 – the Citizen can reveal some exclusively “obtained” information.
Initial findings have shown the town’s inhabitants to be “quite sick”. Most people were unaware of the checks being carried out on them, and therefore the findings were deemed to be true and accurate.
- 25% were found to be “fair to middling”
- 25% were suffering complete and absolute apathy
- 45% were suffering from aggressive “I went to London once so fuck off” syndrome
- 4% were unsure – and should be in solitary confinement
- 1% thought to be aliens.
Along with suggesttions on how to improve the future health of the town’s residents, the report mentions ways in which the town has already begun improvements. In particular, an unnamed councillor said that “The many and varied gift-card shops in the town centre could only help combat this general depression”. Indeed, the council has designed a range of cards targetting the sector of the population suffering from “Fuck Off Syndrome”, to save on difficult conversation. These include:
- “Do you want some?” (Tick list)
- “You and me, outside” with date & time confirmation slip and return envelope
- “What the ___ are you looking at, you ___” (left blank for your own comments).
The design of these cards is hoped to bring about a calmer, less shouty town centre, thus attracting more visitors to the town. However, this could all be to no avail. Traffic calming and the relocation of the recycling centre could cause such traffic congestion that it drives otherwise sober citizens to drink – or even Huntingdon.
Story by JW
