Council Plans To Alter Passage Of Time
St Neots Town Council are hoping to alter time and possibly reality, by staging the 2007 Christmas lights switch-on this week.
Last year, there was no lighting ceremony after a set of lights fell on a pedestrian’s head. But a spokesman for the council today said that rather than just leave 2007′s decorations as a failure, they would run twelve months late every year.
Re-employed at the council following a leave of absence, Dean Dexter said, “This is a brilliant plan on our part. By staging the 2007 Big Switch-On next Friday (28th), we can go back twelve months and use the lessons we have learned to make some serious money. I mean, improvements.”
The council is hoping that by altering time in this way, St Neots may be able to buck the economic trends of 2008 and become the most affluent area in the UK. “Obviously we’ll have to do away with a few of the more chavvy elements of the town, but we hope that the new KFC will soon be keeping them all occupied at the bottom of Eaton Socon, and if we’re lucky giving them food poisoning too.”
The lights are being turned on by swimmer Mark Foster, who says that if this radical plan to alter reality does indeed work, he’ll be able to win a few more Olympic medals in the 2008 Olympics. “You never know,” he said, “a few golds might persuade the council to bring back the outdoor pool.”
Councillor Bob Farms, who six years ago refused to spend any of an £80million surplus on fixing the ailing outdoor pool, commented that, “You’ve got as much chance of that happening as you have of getting a cinema. Haha!”
As the scheme, which the council are referring to by the snappy title of “Project Turn Back Time”, seems a bit far-fetched, the Citizen went to the town’s basement levels to speak to Guillaume la Trec, spokesman for CERN, whose Big Bang Machine the LHC is located somewhere under the town. “Ze most likely outcome,” said la Trec, “is zat a few people will be confused about the date. Saying zat it is 2007 is probably not going to cause time to actually change.” He went on to comment that at least if CERN inadvertently causes the end of the known universe, St Neots will be able to enjoy one more illuminated Christmas, as all festive seasons will now run fifty-two weeks behind schedule.
