Lib Dems Secretly Win Secret Election
The Town Council’s ruling Liberal Democrats were secretly celebrating this week after a secretive victory in a secret election.
Newly elected Town Concillor for Eynesbury ward Steve van der Steven said, “I don’t see what was so secretive about it. We clearly told everyone in Eynesbury via a local community website, and we printed some leaflets that may or may not have been distributed.”
The Council had come under fire from the six local residents who did know about the election for not sending out polling cards. Eynesbury Hardwick councillor Bob Farms, who earlier this year won an election in the misplaced parish, said, “It’s absolutely disgraceful that those orangey buggers have been allowed to get away with this. No actual people live in my ward but at least we distributed polling cards to all the local livestock.”
The win allows Nick Clegg’s colleagues to retain their fifteen-year majority on the Council, during which they have managed to close the outdoor pool and let Conservative councillors traffic-calm roads unnecessarily, whilst trying to convince local residents that their tax is best spent on a cinema.
Van der Steven promised to be accessible to the people of Eynesbury via a premium-rate number. “It’s a good plan this,” he commented, “because the revenue will enable us to follow the Lib Dem’s masterplan and kick start the St Neots economy as an example to the rest of the country.”
The Liberal Democrats recently announced a proposed package of measures to revive the ailing British economy such as loft insulation and extra train carriages. Eaton Scon councillor Julie Wayward said, “We’re not actually planning to open any new train lines or use the 700 new carriages; it’s really just to give people something to do.” Media speculators say that the new trains will be laid end to end to create a corridor running from St Neots to Peterborough, thereby saving people money on expensive rail fares. Councillor Farms said, “I think they’d be put to much better use as moveable empty shops. We need a few more of those in St Neots at the moment; even with Woolworths shutting down we’ll only have about ten, and that is just not enough to sustain a local economy built on empty shops.”
Story by Geoff Ives
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