Woolworths To Become New Shopping Concept
Word on the street in St Neots is that Woolies is to make way for an all-in-one shopping complex, the like of which the town has never seen.
Beatty Broadband, of the Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot (now incorporating the St Neots Rumour Mill) limited, said that the company had been keeping a tab on all the gossip surrounding the failed retailer’s prime location on the Market Square. “My personal favourite was that the Adult Pit Stop, currently located in a former Happy Eater on the A1 near Sandy was interested,” said Broadband, “but they couldn’t find a plastic bead curtain big enough to go over the doors.”
Another popular rumour is that frozen food giants Iceland are interested in the unit, or that cheap tat emporium Wilkinsons may move in.
One local resident commented that “It should be made into a social club for children,” apparently forgetting that this has been tried – and failed – before. Another person we stopped in the street said that the store should become “a place for grumpy, bitter people to complain about St Neots” – but then added that it was probably too small to fit them all in.
However, says Broadband, by far the most innovative plan comes from startup company alltheshitinoneplace.com. Chief Executive Alan Marlborough, 20, said, “We’ve all got used to the concept of internet shopping, where you can buy anything and everything without getting up from your ergonomic wheelie office chair. alltheshitinoneplace.com uses a similar concept, but in the real world.”
Under Marlborough’s plan, all the less inspiring shops in a town – such as estate agents, card shops, hairdressers, chairty shops and estate agents are put together into one building. But unlike the arcades and malls of the twentieth century, there are no separate shops and each business “hotdesks” – they occupy whatever area is free when they turn up in the morning.
This means that if a business wants to expand, they merely have to arrive earlier and take up more space – literally pushing the competition out.
“Of course, the unique selling point is that when customers come in they are greeted and given an ergonomic wheelie office chair,” said Marlborough, “and they just push themselves around the shop with their feet.” Former Woolworths checkout staff said it sounded like “tremendous fun”.
Both the town and district councils welcomed Marlborough’s proposal. “I was skeptical at first,” said planning department spokesman H.B. Pencil, “as no new empty shops have opened for a while and clearly a unit the size of Woolworths would be a real boost to that sector of the economy.
“I quickly realised, however, that alltheshitinoneplace.com’s idea would bean a lot of other smaller empty units throughout the town, that we could keep empty by charging stupidly high rates on. Brilliant!”
Business Link worker Fred Case said, “People will like this because it’s name ends in .com, and people still think that’s cool, at least at the back of their mind.” Marlborough commented that “When people get bored of that, we’ll just tag 2.0 or ‘cloud’ on the end and it’ll be like a whole new thing to get excited about. This really is a concept the like of which St Neots has never seen the like of which.”
Woolworths were unavailable for comment, except to say that no, the pick’n'mix counter had not yet been sold.
I’m surprised no twat mentioned making it a cinema.