Leaked Report Reveals Nothing About Christmas Lights
A long-awaited report from the Health & Safety Executive regarding 2007′s Christmas lights incident, in which a pedestrian was struck by half a ton of metal falling from above the High Street, contains absolutely no new information.
The report, which the Council have been awaiting for a year now, was expected to conclude the H&SE’s investigation into why a lighting rig came down in the run-up to Christmas 2007, and therefore allow the Council to return to the tradition of massive tacky lighting displays for the festive season.
The accident happened when the gantry, which was attached to the top of the Norwich & Peterborough building society, broke loose from it’s brackets pulling chunks of building down with it. But the report, rumoured to have cost almost one Rowley Million, seems to be merely a discussion of crackpot theories.
“It is possible, of course, that this incident was caused by small elves,” says the 3,596 page document, “who are known to take offence to the term ‘Health & Safety’.” Apparently this upsets elves, who mishear it as “Elf & Safety”, which is usually prefixed by “fucking ridiculous” – and they assume everyone hates them.
Other reasons mooted by the Executive’s dossier include local Asbo teens climbing onto the lights to look down ladies’ tops, and stray cats using the display as a climbing frame.
More worrying is the fact that Council members and employees have been barred from revealing details of the accident, prompting speculation that one of them did it on purpose “for shits and giggles” – possibly Derek Miles during the period he was channelling the spirit of his own non-existent evil twin brother.
One local resident commented, “I could have done this report in less than a minute.” Urged to continue, he said, “Some twat attached a hefting great lump of metal and glass to a centuries-old building that, surprise sur-fucking-prise, wasn’t designed for such things. And then it fell down. Case closed.”
The official release of the document is expected sometime between now and March, 2014.
