Eynesbury Razed To Ground While Cops Natter
Urban St Neots Eastside wasteland Eynesbury was set fire to last Monday evening. Beginning in a half full blue wheelie bin, the fire quickly took hold and burnt out the last 3 remaining working motors in Mallard Lane.
From then on it was difficult to tell which was derelict property and which had been torched by the fire. Council Surveyor Lars Gasp (67) said, “So many houses round here look condemned it was more cost effective for us to declare the whole area derelict than try and repair any damage.” He added, “So that’s cocked-up the councils plan for providing more houses, we added 1200 at Love’s Farm only to lose the same amount from Eynesbury.”
Those responsible have still not been caught by the police. In fact The Citizen understands that Cambridgeshire Constabulary’s full compliment of Officers is currently involved in a series of evening meetings with the public and local councillors dedicated to understanding the reasons why chavs set fire to wheelie bins. This means that any reports of crime will not be responded to or investigated until early next week, just after elevenses on Monday.
Illustrious Oi! magazine editor Thundopolus P. Staker, 46, said, “This is bloody fuck-in stupid, we love our chavs but burning the whole place down? What a bunch of knob-heads!”
Earlier this week an Inter-City train was not set on fire when two local chavs failed to light a petrol bomb before launching it. Police were unable to respond in that instance due to the fact that the whole of the workforce had been involved in a community liaison exercise getting to know pets of the area.
Local Inspector Perry Grafham commented, “This new wave of arson where the criminals actually set fire to stuff is very worrying, normally we don’t have to do anything because they’ve been daft enough to not bring matches. This represents a whole new problem and one that we will have difficulty resourcing in the current climate.”
Fireman Sam was on holiday and unavailable for comment.
