Cambourne Mums Can’t Keep Legs Together
Ladies in local new village Cambourne this week showed the world that their favourite hobby involved lying down on the job.
A baby-boom in the overgrown housing estate means that Cambourne’s birth rate per thousand women, at 24.1, is now higher than that of India and China. In fact so many children are appearing in the town that a third primary school has opened to cope with demand, and is so new it doesn’t even have a name.
“Clearly what’s happened here is plain to see,” said NHS maternity spokesman Mike Primark. “There’s nothing to do in Cambourne apart from go to Morrisons or the pub, so everyone is just staying at home shagging. It’s disgraceful, really, these ladies should learn some self control.”
Rumours amongst residents that some mysterious airbourne fertility drug was being pumped around the local supermarket were swiftly denied by managers. “That’s crap isn’t it,” said supervisor Tessa Cohen, 23. “I’d have more than five kids by now if that were true.”
Another local parent, Jonathan Hutchence, 32, who moved to the village in 2002 said “There’s always been a lag between building houses and building other amenities. What exactly do you think a young couple are going to do to keep themselves entertained when we haven’t even got a swimming pool yet?”
Pushing her twins along the high street, Marie Watkins, 32, mum of three, said: “It’s great. It brings a vibrancy to the village to have so many children around. And at least it proves we’re good at something.”
Keep up the good work whoever you are, reading the fuming and angry responses from the residents you’re casually joking around with is almost as amusing as the articles themselves. Top man. Or woman, whichever.
I read this story in the Cambridge News a week or so ago, although the head-line was more muted! The comments by the NHS maternity spokesman, Mike Primark (really?), didn’t include the “s” word either. It just indicates the caliber of public sector workers these days. But it’s come to something when adult couples, living well within the reach of so many amenities, start whining like children “because there’s nothing else to do round here!” :-D They don’t know they’re born these days…
Brianofthecam – YHBT (look it up)
I live in Cambourne and it’s rubbish, with its pointless winding roads and silly street names e.g. Quidditch Lane (a total wazzock must have come up with that one) It’s full of stupid chavy 13 year-olds who have got nothing better to do than hang around in ridiculously large groups in the so-called town square, trying to act all hard (perhaps by throwing the odd stick or shouting at passing cars or something). On a brighter note for some though, this news about the birth rate surely means that Morrisons tracksuit sales will go through the roof in no time.
Cambourne has nothing compared to St Neots. I go there all the time to get my haircut at the legendary Jimmy Mosca’s, with all the old fogies desperate for a quick trim. And there’s nothing quite like strolling around the town’s excellently equipped Lidl store, which has nothing but the finest in East German cuisine. I also love the town’s numerous charity shops where you can get almost anything from Steven Seagal videos to autobiographies by the likes of Lionel Blair, Dale Winton and Sven-Goran Eriksson. Yes, St Neots quite simply outclasses Cambourne in EVERY way.