Archive for November, 2009

St Neots is set to become the envy of market towns country wide with the installation of a new “Guided Cinema.” Following the lengthy planning process to find a suitable cinema site to become derelict within a few years the council has now taken the bold step of employing forward thinking specialist cinema locators... »

Local residents today expressed uncertainty as to whether last night’s “Big Switch On” had in fact gone ahead. The usual events surrounding the illuminations went ahead as planned yesterday (Friday), including a rubbish fair with about four rides, and displays from various local dance troupes and suchlike. But Grosvenor Gardens resident and former manager of the... »

Hot on the heels of the news that Cambourne’s population is the most fertile in the world, your roving Citizen reporter can reveal that the following was overheard during the weekly trolley dash round Morrisons. “What is it with this place? All the buggy-pushers in here look like Vicky Pollard!” Startlingly it soon became apparent that... »

Readers were shocked today as the Citizen avoided publishing a predicatable story about St Neots’ rubbish festive illuminations. Editor Tim C said, “You couldn’t make it up really, so why even try? “Over the past few years we have had increasingly awful Christmas lights displays, ever since that one gantry fell down on some pedestrian.” The lights... »

The Citizen can exclusively reveal that a use may finally have been found for the pointless empty monstrosity of a warehouse next to B&Q in Eaton Socon. For several years this vast ugly warehouse has been empty blighting the landscape for miles around. It has been suggested as a new cinema, a youth club, a... »

The story of “The Girl Who Cried Hoody” looks set to put St Neots on the literary map. The English Literary society have decided to include St Neots in their project to modernise Aesop’s Fables and recent events in St Neots have allowed completion of this exciting project. Chairman of the society, Prof ... »

Recent advances in the treatment of tenuous illness Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder have been hailed a “complete success” by  local health authority spokesperson, Kim Stoneley-Bolton. “Phase one of our local pilot scheme involves providing sufferers with a tiny puppy and no training in how to look after it. Sooner or later the dog will croak... »

Disgraced former puppy owner May Marston was today facing calls to apologise to local hoodies after blaming them for the death of her dog – which in fact died of natural causes. Marston appeared in several national newspapers and was the subject of a widely-supported Facebook group after she alledged that local yobs kicked her... »

Ordinarily, the St Neots Citizen doesn’t run actual news. But this has pissed me off. Following national outcry over the kicking to death of a ten-week-old puppy in Priory Park, offers of help and support, an OAP buying the girl in question a new puppy, near-on mob justice in St Neots, and an innocent (for... »