Confusion As No-One Sure If Christmas Lights Switched On
Local residents today expressed uncertainty as to whether last night’s “Big Switch On” had in fact gone ahead.
The usual events surrounding the illuminations went ahead as planned yesterday (Friday), including a rubbish fair with about four rides, and displays from various local dance troupes and suchlike.
But Grosvenor Gardens resident and former manager of the Wrestlers, Dave Kitchenappliance, said there was no way to tell if the meagre display had actually been activated. “The lights are pretty shit eh,” said Kitchenappliance, 39. “Because they’re all attached to lamp posts, which are often brighter than the displays themselves, it’s difficult to tell if there are in fact any bulbs in them.”
A council insider suggested that Kitchenappliance may not be far off. “There was some muttering about just putting coloured foil in the place of the lightbulbs,” said the mystery spokesman, “so that the street lights would just reflect off them, thereby saving us a good forty quid.
Obviously we wouldn’t get away with doing that with the cross-street lights, but we have managed to, erm, delay the Health & Safety report again so we have an excuse to leave them out.”
Local mums were shocked. Sandfields Road mother of three Jacqui Dee, 22, said “Well I brought the kids down for the lights and that, and they’re shit. The Christmas tree doesn’t even have any lights on it! And Woolworths used to open late when the lights got switched on, what a load of old shit.”
Officially, the council would not confirm the rumours. “The lights are pretty, I think,” said Cllr Terrence Dougall, who later admitted he hasn’t been into the town centre for six months. “If there was a cinema, it’d be even better.”
