Tesco Trials New Car Park
Following a media furore this week when Tesco in Cardiff refused to allow a council estate dole queue mum into the store in her grotty pyjamas, the company are responding to customer criticism by trialling new forms of “sustainable transport parking facilities”, beginning with the St Neots site.
Myfnwy Mwr, 28, complained after the Evil Empire refused to allow her to shop in her crusty nighties even though the company’s own adverts had previously shown actor Martin Clunes doing just that, with no recrimination whatsoever.
Pretending she spoke Welsh for the benefit of the national press, Mwr said, “Mae hyn yn sefyllfa chwerthinllyd”, which roughly translates as “What a fucking joke.” The supermarket giant responded by saying, “Another of our commercials shows someone arriving in a hot-air balloon, but we don’t have balloon parking facilities at our stores. Have some FUCKING PRIDE ya slovenly bitch! Honestly, not getting dressed before leaving the house! In the Victorian era, if you were wandering around in nightwear, you were kindly ‘assisted’ to the local sanitorium, where members of the (fully dressed) public could point and laugh from the lofty heights of the viewing gallery. Good times.”
Realising the uproar this gaffe was likely to cause, the company’s PR department swung into action, and announced trials of balloon-parking at the Barford Road site. “It’ll take up about a hundred car parking spaces to provide for three balloons,” said spokesman Grant Budgen, “but there’s obviously a demand for it, or the Sun wouldn’t have printed it.”
Budgen went on that the corporation was examining other types of parking, including digging canals as far as the cash machines for people who want to use their canoes and narrowboats to go shopping, and landing strips for those with light aircraft. “We can’t afford to be seen to be discriminating against anyone,” he said, “no matter what form of transport they prefer. And we can call it ‘sustainable’ because most of these methods use less petrol than a car, and maybe we’ll give away some green clubcard points.”
Top Gear presenter James May, who recently crashed a caravan tied to an airship into a field in Eltisley, said “This is a great idea. Sometimes I want to go and get a pint of milk, and I wish it took three hours to get there. Now I can use my airship – if I aim for Dover I might just about end up in St Neots.”
