Mystery Chav Gets Restraining Order
A mysterious chav who no-one can name or identify has been handed a restraining order to ensure he stays the fuck out of Dodge.
In fact, commenters on a local web forum were today at a loss to describe the person who has only been described in the news as “a man, or woman, between the ages of 15 and 50.” The alledged Nova-driving dole queue chav has been banned from entering the Duck Lane estate for two years following complaints by residents.
Police have asked locals to keep their eyes peeled, and report any presence on the estate of the ethereal knock-off Fred Perry wearer immediately.
Since he, she or it cannot actually be identified, police have asked residents not to call in but to use Facebook instead, to accuse whoever walks onto the estate swigging a can of Stella of being the elusive “Eastside Stalker”.
A spokesman said if the person is correctly identified, police will “like” the appropriate photo, which will warn others to stay extra vigilant. “Facebook vigilantism is the future of policing,” said St Neots police station’s cleaner. “It means we can get the public involved and have a legitimate excuse for being on various social networking sites during work hours. And it won’t cost us a bean.”
For once, not a single councillor was available to comment. We tried to reach councillor Dougall, but he refused to answer the phone for fear of breaking his own restraining order.
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