Huntingdon No Longer Eating All The Pies
Residents of our neighbour to the north today expressed upset and dismay that St Neots seems to be roaring ahead of the former county town of late.
Huntingdon is now lagging behind its “better brother” St Neots in all-important amenities such as M&S and a household tip.
“This is farkin ridiculous,” slurred inebriated Thames Road man Olly Cromwell, 24, when we spoke to him at 8 this morning. “Next fing you know, Snots’ll ‘ave a ring road an’ a cinema an’ all sorts a shit.”
Indeed, St Neots is soon to play host to another Huntingdon favourite, the Brampton Pie Company, ensuring that not only will we have more ways to pass the time than Huntingdon, but bigger average waistlines too.
“We’re not shutting the Huntingdon branch,” said Pie Company spokesman Yufat B’stard, “but clearly St Neots residents are a bit more flush these days than the ‘PE29′ population, so it’d be daft not to take advantage of that by shoving arm-sized baguettes down their throats for nine hours a day.”
St Neots has a long history of playing the underdog to Huntingdon, which typically has better facilities than St Neots – including a cinema, of course; along with a bigger council estate, higher unemployment, lower petrol prices, a larger Tesco, and longer traffic jams – despite having a lower population. “Hopefully this is all about to change,” said cllr Paul Marcel. “We’re just going to try to everything a little bit better than Skagtown… erm, I mean Huntingdon – or failing that just get stuff first.”
Amongst the things the Conservative councillor plans to get to St Neots before Huntingdon are microchipped wheelie bins, compulsory ID cards, and probably – at this rate – a guided busway. “That’ll show the snotty little twats,” commented colleague Larry Hackman.
However, Marcel has recently caused controversy by recommending shoppers stay away from St Neots as it is too pricey – particularly the petrol. “Probably drive to Huntingdon innit,” he sqwarked on a local online forum. “Stuff’s cheaper there cos they’re all poor, or so I’m told.”
Disgusted Lib Dem Steve van der Whitevanman was quick to disagree. “I didn’t think of that first,” he said, “so you should probably shop in St Neots. Or somewhere else where the petrol is cheap, like Bedford. I’ve put an item on the next council meeting agenda to whinge for a bit about the petrol prices, particularly at Tesco, because every councillor has a right to waste the council’s time whenever he or she sees fit.”
Cllr Ffion Lurks commented that she was fed up of these silly boys, and promptly resigned.
