Town To Abandon Pound?
It was sensationally revealed tonight that, if elected, the Lib Dems plan to opt St Neots out of the United Kingdom’s currency, the Great British Pound.
“The quid is a bit of an outdated concept,” said Steve van der Whitevanman at this evening’s press conference, “seeing as everything costs so fucking much now. I mean, only today I put a couple of litres of diesel in – and I could’ve spent that money on a pint!”
“They’re not wring you know,” said Oi!! magazine editor and Citizen correspondent Thundopolous P. Staker. “£2.60 I paid to park at Hinchingbrooke – that’s a PINT that is!!”
Councillor Julia Wayward, who has been rather quiet recently, said that “the pint seems like an ideal unit of currency. I mean, everyone keeps going on about it, and how useful to have just one coin to buy a drink.”
She went on to explain that, despite the fact that 82% of residents consume at least three times their weekly recommended allowance of alcohol every day, the “pint” would not in fact be real pints, but instead coins would be minted and notes printed.
The Tories were quick to rubbish the Lib Dem plans, which have swung today’s opinion polls in their favour. “They haven’t really thought this through,” said award-winning councillor Larry Hackman. “No two pubs in town charge the same for a pint of the same beer. What should it be based on? An average? And then should it be ales or that fizzy lager rubbish? Or maybe even alcohol-free beer, as if anyone in St Neots serves that! Lols…”
The Lib Dems responded to Hackman’s unusually good-natured comments by saying “Look, just cos he’s won some sort of award doesn’t mean he’s right. We already decided the St Neots Pint will be worth £2.60 at launch. The coins will be made of glass – we can’t really see a problem with that – and divided into 568 sub units known as the ‘mil’ – just like a pint of lovely beer with all it’s millilitres. Mmmm.”
Councillors Dougall, Van der Whitevanman, Miles and Wayward were all said to be rather merry at the press conference, which a spokesman blamed on “high spirits, and nothing more. “Not high enough spirits by the looks of it,” chuckled veteran madcap councillor Bob Farms – “clearly they could still reach them! Ho ho.”
