WVM Promises New Fences For All
Liberal Democrat councillor Steve van der Whitevanman has promised new fences if re-elected – but only for Eynesbury residents.
Cllr vn der Whitevanman has a long-standing history with fences after campaigning tirelessly for a new one at the Cambridge Street / Sandfields Road junction last year.
Now the councillor hopes to win votes by replacing the fences of residents in his ward. “It’s a lovely idea,” said Eynesbury Green resident Betty Giro, 77. “Our garden fence is a bloody eyesore, and if we can get a new one without having to bother about paying for it ourselves, then I’m all for it.”
However, plans to exclude West Side residents have angered opponents Paul Marcel and award-winning Larry Hackman. “Well fucking out of order,” squawked Marcel. “Whitevanman needs to remember that a) people live on the other side of the river, and 2) they are part of this town as well!”
Indeed, the East-West divide has been growing recently as councillors push for facilities for their ward only, completely discounting those fortunate enough to live elsewhere. “It’s a bloody disgrace,” said Eaton Ford man Brian Kendall, 41. “All we hear is how Eynesbury is deprived and they need a community centre and some new fences – meanwhile, the nice end of town is going downhill cos the police have scared all their bloody chavscum over here! Van der Whitevanman really only needs to build one fence – a fucking great ten-foot-high one down the middle of the park!”
“I think that’s a bit extreme,” said former council leader Derek Miles today. “But I do think some people need to remember what the ‘town’ bit of town councillor means, eh; I mean these young ‘uns today…”
