Council Plans More Bins
Following news that a council in the Frozen North is using up to nine wheelie bins for each house, HDC today announced a radical new plan for the district’s recyclables.
Currently, most people have three wheelie bins, or different coloured bags for their rubbish. The new system will include up to 87 different coloured bags and fourteen bins.
“We think this is definitely the way forward,” said district councillor for Eaton Ford Rob Barrier. “The new scheme will allow people to properly sort their recycling and cut down on the confusion of what goes in which bin.”
Indeed, the new system is much more specific. Milk bottles, for example, go in the purple-with-yellow-stripes bag, whilst milk bottle lids go in the grey-with-pink-flowers bin. Other types of plastic are separated too: Coca-Cola bottles go in the see-through bin with squiggly lines on it, whilst Dr Pepper drinkers will dispose of their empty containers in the box with a picture of Spongebob Squarepants on it.
“Once everyone gets used to it,” said Barrier, “we’ll all wonder ‘why did it take so long to implement such a brilliant scheme?”
Eynesbury resident Joshua Nicassist, 34, called the scheme “absolute ridiculous bollocks.”
“Honestly,” he said, “where am I going to put my fourteen bins? I live in a flat for fuck’s sake. And the binbags – apparently they’ll only be collected when full, about every seven or eight weeks. They’re just going to end up ripped open by cats who will then be disappointed to find nothing edible inside!”
Indeed, the felines of St Neots look set to face disappointment. Meat and bones cannot be thrown into any of the bins, and residents must find a way to dispose of these items themselves. “What are we supposed to do with the leftovers from a Sunday roast, then?” asked Whitehouse man Jimmy Saddle, 67. “I suppose I could mould last week’s cabbage to look like an empty Snickers wrapper, and put it in the shiny bag with sequins on it, and maybe the carrots could pass as unused pens and go in the stationery bag – the one made out of tinfoil with hearts and butterflies drawn on. Fuck knows what I’ll do with the gravy though.”
This reporter, who drinks approximately seven gallons of tea per day, is more concerned about what to do with his used teabags. Councillor Barrier said, “I don’t see what the problem is. We’re providing a lovely net bag made out of rice paper for teabags – it will do the job perfectly, and be collected every six months.”
