“I’m James, and I’m a professional unemployed man from St Neots.
I’m 22 and live rent-free in an HHP flat on Duck Lane with Ashley Pilkington, 19, and our 4-year-old daughter Chantelle-Elise.
The day starts around 10am when I chip off to King’s Lane Garage to stock up on booze. I buy two gallons [16 pints - ed.] most mornings; sometimes I have to run out for more. Before drinking anything I go for a jog down through the town, round the Riverside Park and back up through Eynesbury – I can’t be puttin’ on weight!
I crack my first tinnie for breakfast at about 11. My mate Mattie usually comes round about this time with a quarter of weed and some silvers, and we have a quick spliff or three before firing up the X-Box, PS3 or Wii for a hard day’s gaming.
Today though it’s sign-in day, so after I get back from jogging I fish out the crutches, limp around for a bit to get myself in the right frame of mind and head off to Huntingdon.
I claim JSA and also disability living allowance. The council pays my rent and Council Tax, and I get child support for Chan. Because Ash works a few hours a week in a local pub, we get working family tax credits as well, which is a massive help as it means I can buy a new game every week instead of every fortnight.
When I’ve signed on and got my train fare refunded, I head up to Cromwell’s in Huntingdon High Street for a few beers with my mates who sign on about the same time. When we had to sign on in the mornings we used to just have a breakfast at Sainsbury’s, but we all got shifted to lunchtime cos we got diagnosed with insomnia, and can’t be expected to be up before twelve.
When I get back to St Neots, a load of my mates come round and we have a good piss-up till about 3am. Sometimes one of us will be forced to go to a job interview, and this really ruins your schedule.
I don’t see how I could have a job. I don’t have time. I’m busy in the evenings cooking up ketamine and distributing it about in my BMW, apart from on sign-on day when I’m too busy going to Huntingdon.
The benefits are too low though – it’s well difficult to live on this wage when you’ve got a kiddie to bring up. Bastards won’t even pay my electricity bill – which is high cos of all the hydroponics from my little forest in the box room. I went to school til I was 16 and came away with three GCSE’s, so it ain’t like I didn’t try, and I don’t see why the Government seems to think they don’t owe me a living.
It also makes me angry when I see these illegal immigrants living in multi-million pound central London houses. These benefits should rightly be going to good British families like me – haha, I nearly said hardworking! I’ve only got three consoles, an iMac that’s nearly a year old, an iPhone and an iPod Touch. If I had an iPad I’d get loads more done, but they won’t give me one, tight fuckers.
Honestly. Sometimes I think it’d be worth getting a job. Then I look at all these muggy cunts walking to work every morning and think, nah. I’m free, innit.”