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Monday August 19th 2019

A Day In The Life…

“I’m James, and I’m a professional unemployed man from St Neots.

I’m 22 and live rent-free in an HHP flat on Duck Lane with Ashley Pilkington, 19, and our 4-year-old daughter Chantelle-Elise.

The day starts around 10am when I chip off to King’s Lane Garage to stock up on booze. I buy two gallons [16 pints - ed.] most mornings; sometimes I have to run out for more. Before drinking anything I go for a jog down through the town, round the Riverside Park and back up through Eynesbury – I can’t be puttin’ on weight!

I crack my first tinnie for breakfast at about 11. My mate Mattie usually comes round about this time with a quarter of weed and some silvers, and we have a quick spliff or three before firing up the X-Box, PS3 or Wii for a hard day’s gaming.

Today though it’s sign-in day, so after I get back from jogging I fish out the crutches, limp around for a bit to get myself in the right frame of mind and head off to Huntingdon.

I claim JSA and also disability living allowance. The council pays my rent and Council Tax, and I get child support for Chan. Because Ash works a few hours a week in a local pub, we get working family tax credits as well, which is a massive help as it means I can buy a new game every week instead of every fortnight.

When I’ve signed on and got my train fare refunded, I head up to Cromwell’s in Huntingdon High Street for a few beers with my mates who sign on about the same time. When we had to sign on in the mornings we used to just have a breakfast at Sainsbury’s, but we all got shifted to lunchtime cos we got diagnosed with insomnia, and can’t be expected to be up before twelve.

When I get back to St Neots, a load of my mates come round and we have a good piss-up till about 3am. Sometimes one of us will be forced to go to a job interview, and this really ruins your schedule.

I don’t see how I could have a job. I don’t have time. I’m busy in the evenings cooking up ketamine and distributing it about in my BMW, apart from on sign-on day when I’m too busy going to Huntingdon.

The benefits are too low though – it’s well difficult to live on this wage when you’ve got a kiddie to bring up. Bastards won’t even pay my electricity bill – which is high cos of all the hydroponics from my little forest in the box room. I went to school til I was 16 and came away with three GCSE’s, so it ain’t like I didn’t try, and I don’t see why the Government seems to think they don’t owe me a living.

It also makes me angry when I see these illegal immigrants living in multi-million pound central London houses. These benefits should rightly be going to good British families like me – haha, I nearly said hardworking! I’ve only got three consoles, an iMac that’s nearly a year old, an iPhone and an iPod Touch. If I had an iPad I’d get loads more done, but they won’t give me one, tight fuckers.

Honestly. Sometimes I think it’d be worth getting a job. Then I look at all these muggy cunts walking to work every morning and think, nah. I’m free, innit.”

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.


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