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Thursday July 18th 2019

Addicts Have New Excuse

St Neots residents addicted to everything from heroin to chocolate have a new excuse for their behaviour, thanks to research by Expert Scientists.

A report in the national press today explains that some people are missing a subunit of a receptor that tells them when they have had enough nicotine, making them born smokers.

But in a typical misappropriation of the research, locals have seized on the report as a way of explaining addiction to absolutely anything.

“This is brilliant,” said local crack-fiend Hans Usborne. “Now I can do all the crack I want, and blame it on a faulty crack receptor. I fucking love crack!” 29 stone mum Sharon Corrigan, 43, of Field Cottage Road, agreed. “I finally know why I feel the need to eat a bucket of fried chicken every single day – my chicken receptor is all to cock!”

Local health chiefs were disgusted by the news. NHS spokesman Mike Primark said “This is completely irresponsible. The research was only on nicotine, so yes, the town’s thousands of smokers do have a potential reason for their continuing need to spend £6.85 a day on their precious Marlboro Lights. But it by no means affects everyone, and certainly doesn’t extend to any other drug or addiction – unless people are mixing nicotine into chocolate then the fatties have no excuse.”

Local high-end chocolate manufacturers B&B Chocolat said development of a 70% cocoa bar with 0.5mg nicotine was underway. “If people are going to explain away their addictions to cocaine, weed, pills, meth, m-cat, MDMA, skag, angel dust, alphabetti-spaghetti, PCP, BZP, AZT, temazapam, diazepan, ketamine and a list of drugs no-one’s thought of yet, as well as burgers, chicken, kebabs, tea, coffee, Red Bull, Fosters, Smirnoff, Wham bars, sandwiches, supercider, Special Brew, Lottery scratchcards, lighter fluid, overpriced French bottled water, Sara Lee gateaux, flapjacks, curry, pizza, special-fried rice and fucking Lambrini – then why shouldn’t they have a lovely high-quality luxury snack to be addicted to as well?” said a spokesman.

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.


    One Comment for “Addicts Have New Excuse”

    • Rita NothappyI'mdying Joy says:

      As an “Old Timer”, but “newly arrived person”, ergo: not part of the family yet, as have only resided here since 1963, and still have to prove my Credentials, it pains me to read Reports of the breakdown of Society in our extremely attractive Saxon town, with the second largest Market Square in the Country. We boast buildings of such rare age and value, a Stone built Parish Church, whose foundations were laid God-knows-when, (you lot can look that one up), a beautiful slow-flowing river and wide Parkland, within the confines of the town itself, which would shame Central Park, New York, AND ALL THIS despite it being half-a-mile from the A.1 Main Highway from North to South of the Country, making it a bit back-of-beyond. The beauty of this place is “Nobody know we are here!!” Up until now it was a well-kept secret, a la “The Best Beach in the World” (Leo DiCaprio.. geddit?).. (and despite being the furthest point from any open sea!). Now we have people who do not use their nut, just their craving for what is NOT AT ALL GOOD FOR THEM, NOR THEIR HEALTH, and down we spiral, to become just another “London Overspill..cant find anywhere else to put them” ghetto. I put to you all, there may come a day when many residing here would welcome the ability to climb six/seven flights of stairs, and more, without enduring excrutiating pain and necessary use of a walking aid, instead of which I am forced to stagger round my home with this, hip collapsing beneath me and many, on first sight, would take me for a O.A.P.!! I could collect my vegetables, freshly chosen, on the way. I hope they name the proposed Skyscraper Cinema Complex “The Towering Inferno”. It might keep many I know in a job ! I would certainly be the first to pay an entrance fee to behold the beauty of our town, and environs, from a viewing platform, and to gain some fresh air, sorely needed, provided the 360 degree Panoramic View was secured safely, did not sway 37 feet in the wind, also al la Empire State building. N.Y. USA., and OBVIOUSLY, IF A HIGH SPEED INTERIOR LIFT WAS INSTALLED for us “wobbly on our legs” Grannies. The way things are going with me, to also be able to house a motorised scooter.. which, I hope will go “like the clappers”. DONT FORGET THE RAMP..!!

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