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Thursday July 18th 2019

ADHD Girl Apologises To Hoodies – Puppy Still Dead

Disgraced former puppy owner May Marston was today facing calls to apologise to local hoodies after blaming them for the death of her dog – which in fact died of natural causes.

Marston appeared in several national newspapers and was the subject of a widely-supported Facebook group after she alledged that local yobs kicked her too-young-to-be-outside puppy to death in Priory Park.

However, a post mortem has shown that the canine’s demise was due to the Parvo virus. The fact that the dog was outside being walked before it had been fully immunised is probably one of the main reasons behind it kicking the bucket.

“I am proper fucked off about this,” said local hoodie Darren Kevin, 17, of Sandwich Road, when we interrupted him keying a neighbour’s car to ask his opinion. “OK, we might smash your windows or shout at your nan, but we’ve been blamed for killing a dog, and that ain’t on.”

His associate Barry King, also 17, stopped tagging his auntie’s fence for a minute to say, “If it was a kitten I could understand. I mean, dogs are the ultimate hoodie chav accessory these days. Especially ones like Jack Russells that don’t look viscious, cos then you can, like, train ‘em to be, like, super-stealth attack dogs or something.”

King hastily pointed out that he doesn’t kill kittens either – “They’re nasty little fuckers too if you, like, train them… and they’re fluffy and cute.”

People posting on the “Justice for the Dead Dog” Facebook group were shocked at the news that the teen had lied about the demise of her beloved pooch. Her chavvy friends instantly commented that “everyone can fuck off right, just cos the post mortem showed that the dog died of natural causes don’t mean it wasn’t kicked to death.”

Council leader Julia Wayward was quick to comment. “This girl has given St Neots – and it’s indiginous hoodie yobs – a bad name. It’s time she faced up to what she’s done and apologised.”

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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