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Thursday July 18th 2019

August Festival “Just Rubbish Carnival” Admits Council

The town council today admitted that the much-maligned August Festival was indeed “just a rubbish version of the carnival”, and not a completely new concept as previously claimed.

The August Festival, otherwise known as the Riverside Festival, Summer Festival and St Neots Festival, took place over the bank holiday weekend, much to the surprise of local residents, who were unaware anything was planned. “They advertised it in that Priorities,” said Ridegway resident Pete Ashcroft, “but who the fuck reads that?” Indeed, most residents knew nothing of the festival until the closing fireworks late on the final night.

Those that did know in advance were unimpressed. “Well it just looks like a pile of old shit really,” said Chelsea Farnsworth of Crosshall Road. “Essentially it’s just the carnival – which annoyed everyone – with the only interesting bit taken out.”

St Neots carnival ground to a halt after last years event, despite the fact that half the town still lined the High Street each year to watch the parade. When pressed, Council spokesman Dean Dexter admitted, “Yes, the Festival was just another name for the carnival but without the parade. Off the record, I’m not surprised no-one turned up. It was terrible.” The council’s official line is that the festival was well-supported by residents, but hapless Dexter admitted that “Basically the councillors all decided that this was what locals wanted, and when it turned out they were wrong, they decided to tell them that they’d all enjoyed it.”

The council has a long history of putting a hat on something and calling it another thing, such as the Jubilee Garden – which was originally to be the Millennium Garden but was not finished on time; and a grotty pedestrian wasteland known as “The Priory Quarter”.

Dean Dexter also told the Citizen that “about a Rowley Million” was spent on organising the festival. Mr Dexter is currently seeking alternative employment.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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