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Monday June 18th 2018

Awful New Car Park Wins Award

The much-maligned new car park layout at St Neots’ Tesco, which is designed in such a way to facilitate as many head-on collisions as possible, has one the prestigious “Car Park Of The Year” award.

The honour, presented by the UK Guild of Car Parks and Carparking (UKGCPC), was due to go to the rather more pleasant Riverside car park – but can only be awarded to lots which do not charge. “We’re delighted,” said a spokesman for the Barford Road store, “especially since the car park was rather an afterthought when the store was extended.”

Local rags and forums have been full of complaints about the new layout, which is heavily based on the temporary design used whilst building works were carried out. “I’ll tell you what it is: it’s jokes,” commented Chapman Way man Peter Ropefellow, 60. “Obviously I don’t drive into Tesco because I live next door… ah fuck it, I totally drive there every day, on account of being well fucking lazy. There are less spaces than there used to be, and the access roads are proper narrow and that, meaning I have to actually slow down when entering the car park. Pathetic. I used to shoot round the old one at sixty, never hit anyone yet!”

Local councillor Steve van der Whitevanman, who has long been a public opponent of everything Tesco do ever, ranted “I knew this’d fucking happen if we started charging people to park in the Riverside and at Lidl. It’s not on. It’s all the fault of those nasty Tories, you know.”

Van der Whitevanman said he had contacted the UKGCPC, who admitted that a town was drawn randomly from a hat each year and the car park closest to the town centre picked. “They told me that they never visit any of the towns involved, because there’s only two of them in the office. Roger has to answer the phones, and Mary can’t drive, apparently.”

Roger Shelley of the Guild stated that “We never award the, er, award to somewhere that charges, because we like to make the criteria a bit harder than ‘must be a car park’.”

The newly-extended Tesco Extra has come under fire recently for having more expensive petrol than another store twelve miles away, and occasionally running out of some stock. Ongoing claims that the store is “some sort of alien mothership” are still being denied.

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

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