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Sunday February 17th 2019

Baby Boomers Ate All The Pies

Over-45′s in St Neots are being blamed for eating all the pies – as well as all the other food, drinking all the drinks and using the last of the loo roll.

“This is well unacceptable,” said Eaton Socon man Darryn Draynpype, 28. “Seems that all the oldies have well and truly fucked us over.”

Indeed, a report from the BBC today claimed that the current middle-aged generation had “pulled the ladder up after them”, denying generations X, Y, Z and 42 a chance at money and power. “Not only that,” said Draynpype, “but they’ve munched all the good food, literally – they’ve eaten EVERYTHING so now we have to survive on bread and McDonalds. To be honest I’d rather stick with the bread.”

Concerns about oil running out which proliferated throughout the seventies, as the baby boomers went to college and work, are nothing compared to the current shortage in toilet roll. “They’ll just have to use a rag on a stick, like in my day,” said veteran St Neots whinger Gerald Tosh, 74. “We managed, AND we only had electricity for three hours a day, and had to walk eighty miles to school, six days a week; AND it used to snow more, and…”

Not waiting around to hear a lengthy diatribe covering ice on the insides of windows, the Thames freezing over, and having to fetch seven tonnes of coal using just his bare hands, the Citizen soon departed. Backing up the middle-aged paunch is Cambridge St Andrews, born in 1957, who has just retired to a fortune of £6.8m, all earned in the big-hair eighties. “It’s actually 80′s kids that are to blame,” said St Andrews. “Because those of us who had kids in the decade of black, red and chrome had loads of money to splash around, we spent it all on the children so they’ve become a bunch of self-entitled whinging little bastards. Definitely their fault.”

Your editor, born in 1983, would certainly disagree. “What a load of old shit,” commented Tim C; “I’m a dirty student these days, living off bread and supernoodles.” No, even the desperately poor don’t resort to McDonalds.

The main issue at hand, though, seems to be that the over-45′s are all really fucking fat. “We’re the ones who apparently live on junk food,” said skinny Draynpype, “but the parents’ generation are all wearing elasticated jeans because they eat too much steak and fois-fucking-gras, and tip the scales at an average 17 stone. It is us who will be paying National Insurance when they’re all on dialysis and insulin at the expense of the NHS – not only have they never had it so good, but they’ll continue to do so until they eventually croak.”

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.


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