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Thursday July 18th 2019

BBC Accused Of Anti-Southern Bias

The BBC was today accused of being against the South after a third successive Northerner was announced as new breakfast show host.

Extravagantly-haired Nick Grimshaw, 27, who also presents angsty teen favourite T4, was revealed to be the new smug face of breakfast yesterday. Grimshaw is originally from Manchester, and follows on from Leeds-originating Chris Moyles, and his predecessor, Bolton loudmouth Sara Cox.

“It’s just not on really, is it?” squawked Eaton Socon man Charlie Welsh, 24. “I mean, Grimshaw is slightly less irritating than Moyles, but still. I can’t take anything these Northerners take seriously.”

Afternoon presenter Greg James, who is from somewhere indeterminate but certainly southern, was said to be crying on his holiday after missing out on the lucrative 6.30am slot. “Really,” commented his agent, “this pro-Northern stance is just yet another form of racism.”

Indeed, the BBC as a whole has been showing an increased Northern leaning of late, having relocated literally tens of staff from offices sensibly located in London, to an over-designed shoebox on the outskirts of Salford, with the word “Quay” added to make it sound posh.

“You people are never fucking satisfied, are you?” raged the BBC’s Boss Ben Collins, who likes to be known by his initials. “First you tell us to move north, then you get the hump when the radio sounds twenty IQ points lower. Well what did you expect?”

Despite his diatribe, Radio 1 has not been moved north and remains located in a basement on Clipstone Street, W1. “Frankly,” said Grimshaw, “there’s a reason I moved out of Manchester, and it’s not because it’s a nice place to live, you know what I mean?”

Southerners have repeatedly questioned the wisdom of attacking the BBC for being too “London-centric”. Amy Tredsafe, 23, from Hail Weston, said “Frankly I’m glad that things like the BBC continue to be mostly based in London. Whinging Northerners need to remember that, like it or not, London is the capital of the UK.”

The Citizen tried to reach famous Mancunians such as the Gallagher brothers – or at least a member of the Gallagher family – for comment and rebuttal, perhaps some support of the North. But they were all in London.

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

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