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Thursday October 19th 2017

BK “Helping NHS”

The Burger King franchise in Addenbrookes concourse has hit back today over claims that its presence in the hospital was counter-intuitive and downright unhealthy.

Chris Green, 40, who runs the franchise which is owned by the Barometer Group, said that the fast-food outlet was providing “full-circle” services to patients.

“We support the NHS in a number of ways,” said Green. “First of all, we keep cardiac services open by making sure they are not under-used. Secondly, our location in the food court means that sufferers of miocardial infarctions can be back in A&E within two minutes of that next attack.”

Hospital bosses had demanded that Green’s franchise not be renewed, replacing it instead with a salad bar outlet when the shopping-centre-style food court is renovated this year.

However, spokesman Mike Primark said that they were now reviewing this “short-sighted” decision. “We’d never considered before how Burger King indirectly bring much-needed funds into Addenbrookes and doomed cardiac sister hospital Papworth, by making sure all coronary care facilities are well used at all times,” he said.

“Clearly, eating a 1,500-calorie Double XL Bacon Cheeseburger meal when recovering from a heart attack is going to have you back in the CCU before you can say pass the ketchup. This is good for everyone as it protects vital services from closure and maintains the jobs of literally tens of nurses.”

Heart attack victims were unsure of the plan to maintain the gastronomical status-quo. “I’ve had four heart attacks and two triple heart bypasses,” said 38-stone trucker Maurice Dunn, 43, of nearby Babraham. “It was eating burgers that got me this fucking fat and it was definitely not my fault. To allow them to continue selling me my four daily Whopper meals is just plain irresponsible.”

Dunn explained that Addenbrookes Concourse became the nearest place for him to eat after he became too large to fit into his own kitchen. There are many other options for sustenance within the hospital, but BK is nearest the doors.

“If they don’t shut BK down, I’ll definitely sue.”

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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