Chairman of the society, Prof John Poems, commented “The project to give these well known fables a modern slant has been ongoing for some time. The recent press coverage of the puppy ‘stamping’ allowed us to complete the project.”

The final fable to be updated was The Boy Who Cried Wolf. It will now be entitled “The Girl Who Cried Hoody.” This well known story tells the tale of a boy who lied about a wolf killing his sheep, but when a real wolf showed up no one believed him.

This new updated version centres around a local St Neots girl May Marston, who tells a whopper about her dog being attacked by hoodies causing national outrage.
A few days later, her dog really does get run over. When she runs home with the crumpled body of the dog she accuses local rabbits of giving it a deadly virus. Of course no one believes her and thousands of pounds are saved by not having to perform a post mortem or looking for Bright Eyes in a hoody with a nasty cough.

In the ensuing furore she is vilified by locals who accuse local vets of not being able to tell the difference between a squashed dog and a case of distemper. The local history society were also said to be excited and were planning to erect a plaque on the Marston’s house to commemorate the story. Famous local historian Henry Tibbut commented “Liar, liar, pants on fire! See how easy it is to fool the press, we wouldn’t waste money on this little fibber.”

The Citizen tried to contact the Marstons for a telephone interview but were told in no uncertain terms to fuck off.

Marston appeared in several national newspapers and was the subject of a widely-supported Facebook group after she alledged that local yobs kicked her too-young-to-be-outside puppy to death in Priory Park.

However, a post mortem has shown that the canine’s demise was due to the Parvo virus. The fact that the dog was outside being walked before it had been fully immunised is probably one of the main reasons behind it kicking the bucket.

“I am proper fucked off about this,” said local hoodie Darren Kevin, 17, of Sandwich Road, when we interrupted him keying a neighbour’s car to ask his opinion. “OK, we might smash your windows or shout at your nan, but we’ve been blamed for killing a dog, and that ain’t on.”

His associate Barry King, also 17, stopped tagging his auntie’s fence for a minute to say, “If it was a kitten I could understand. I mean, dogs are the ultimate hoodie chav accessory these days. Especially ones like Jack Russells that don’t look viscious, cos then you can, like, train ‘em to be, like, super-stealth attack dogs or something.”

King hastily pointed out that he doesn’t kill kittens either – “They’re nasty little fuckers too if you, like, train them… and they’re fluffy and cute.”

People posting on the “Justice for the Dead Dog” Facebook group were shocked at the news that the teen had lied about the demise of her beloved pooch. Her chavvy friends instantly commented that “everyone can fuck off right, just cos the post mortem showed that the dog died of natural causes don’t mean it wasn’t kicked to death.”

Council leader Julia Wayward was quick to comment. “This girl has given St Neots – and it’s indiginous hoodie yobs – a bad name. It’s time she faced up to what she’s done and apologised.”

Following national outcry over the kicking to death of a ten-week-old puppy in Priory Park, offers of help and support, an OAP buying the girl in question a new puppy, near-on mob justice in St Neots, and an innocent (for this crime at least) teen being villified on Facebook for supposedly killing the dog, it turns out that the canine died of a virus, and there was no evidence at all of head trauma.

Yes, the girl has ADHD and therefore probably can’t be trusted as the most reliable source of accurate information. But the fact that her parents allowed the story to go so far, hitting the national press and damaging the not-exactly-brilliant reputation of St Neots, is beyond belief.

St Neots isn’t a brilliant town, it hasn’t got that much going for it. It has its problems – although maybe not as many as a larger town or city, or extremely deprived areas in other parts of the country. But it isn’t all that bad either. Now it will carry for some time a reputation which it does not deserve, as the news of the hoax will surely not reach the centre stage as the initial “bleeding heart” story did. People see one thing about a town and take that to be the norm. Look at the football coach “riots” in the early 80′s – that was a one-off but St Neots still has a reputation for being unsafe for visiting football fans.

It really fucking angers me when people pull St Neots into disrepute. April Alderton and her family must hang their heads in shame.

STD have confirmed that a “senior manager” with little responsibility had taken it upon himself to release a statement about something they knew nothing about. Reading between the lines The Citizen believes that the statement was probably true, but STD had underestimated the reaction and has now put some poor junior in the firing line.

Reaction from the town was more varied. Self-thinking councillor Terence Dougall was incensed. “I can’t bloody believe it” he said. “I have a great idea to support local business and it falls at the first hurdle. I going to be thinking hard about it all weekend.”

However Cambridge Road resident L. Tisley, who we spoke to earlier this week, commented “Thank Christ for that. At least there’s an end in sight to my walking amongst the unwashed every morning and evening.”

SNTC plans to separate St Neots from the rest of England have been strongly denied (until Monday).

This week it was announced with much fanfare that the formerly popular venue, closed down by Teeth-Moss Entertainment in favour of the rubbish club across the road, would be re-opened by Mr Yoshimi, thereby allowing local drinkers to return to the slightly more pleasant venue that everyone whinged about losing a year ago.

However, at the last minute it was revealed that the building was “not ready” and residents would have to wait another week – which is exactly what happened when Worx was due to open a year ago.

Local binge-drinkers were feeling let down as the club announced the delay on Facebook. Polly Kerman, of Berkely Street, gave the Citizen déja-vu by saying “Hunch Taverns have been saying that it’ll DEFINITELY be open on the 10th, so it was fairly obvious it wouldn’t be” which is more or less exactly what she said about Worx.

Excited as we are about the return of the grotty barn which used to serve us at 14 years old, The Citizen is also sitting smugly back after it’s prediction that “Worx will charge an entry fee, meaning a maximum of three people inside at any one time” was proved to be correct.

The latest victims Mr Shaggy and his dog Scooby, still traumatised but able to talk, said “He came out of the fog like a mythical beast and sank his fangs deep into Scooby, there was nothing I could do as my hands were full of plastic bags of Scooby doo because I am a responsible dog owner.”

The beast was believed to be accompanied and a creepy old guy was seen heading back to the spooky looking house on the hill shouting, “And I would of gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling kids.”

Mr Shaggy has sought the help of a local website in his bid to trace the owner. Local politician and one time dog whisperer Steve van der Van Driver has offered his services. Mr Van Driver said, “There are no bad dogs, just bad owners. It was probably that Fen tiger from before.” He then released his hounds to chase your Citizen reporter from his estate.

Fred, Daphne and Wilma were unavailable for comment.

Story by DK

Sharon Kiley, a local mother, said “I saw one of these mainiacs ride straight over a crisp packet and I thought if that was my little boy playing in the road he could be killed or worse!”
Councillors have decided to act after representations were made by HiProfile Traffic Calming PLC. offering to solve the councils budget surplus problems.

Cyclewatch teams have been working in the High St. for a week now. Sydney Grosset the ‘team leader’ said, “Some of them ride so fast, we were really frightened, those chunky tyres are like a chainsaw coming at you!”

HiProfile’s plans involve a combination of concrete chicanes and rising mini-bollards triggered by excessive speed. There will be loudspeakers at stoplights which will deliver a stark warning:
“You have been seen cycling furiously, photographs have been sent to the authorities and you face possible prosecution!”
Those found guilty will have to wear a community waistcoat, saying “I cycle too fast and risk childrens lives” for a week (or even longer in serious cases!)

In other measures to cut the (potential) loss of life, a council spokesperson said a special fenced cycle lane linking the High Street with the station via Great Barford was being build “To make pople think twice before chosing a bike for the journey.” The LongStand bus company are contributing generously to the latter scheme.

Cyclewatch teams are meanwhile photographing cyclists for a ‘Naming and Shaming’ colour section in the St.Neots Citizen entitled “Just look at these irresponsible bastards!”

Story by PW

Some Little Paxton residents claimed they were able to recreate a time when computers weren’t as frequently used easily.  One local said “We’re working on recreating the early 90s when life was different.  Back then a bloke called George Bush was president, and there was a recession in the UK.”

Meanwhile local councillor Bob Farms claimed that Eynesbury Hardwick was able to recreate the past even better.  Cllr Farms was quoted as saying “As nobody knows its precise location, Eynesbury Hardwick has changed very little over the years.”

It has been suggested locally that the council has achieved recreating the past even more successfully by being stuck in the middle ages for a long time. A council spokesman responded, “You may laugh, but after we gave all your money to an Icelandic bank we’ll be back in the twenties before you can say ricketts!”

The front page of the Town Crier this week carried a story covering Collingwood Road resident Gordon Bennett’s plea for drivers to slow down on Nelson Road, “where a car smashed into a pub less than two weeks ago”.

This surprised many Eaton Socon residents who had always assumed the pub was on the Great North Road. “I knew I were pissed when I left the pub last week,” said Shakespeare Road man Bruce Swaine, “but I don’t remember having to walk from Nelson road! I must’ve had more than I thought.”

Strangely though, the Waggon still appeared to be on the corner of the Great North Road and Shakespeare Road when the Citizen investigated today. An Expert Scientist had this explanation: “It’s a disturbance in the space-time continuum or something,” he said. “The pub looks like it’s on the main road, and when you go there you walk through the doors at that location – and exit there also. It also doesn’t appear to take up any space in Nelson Road – but that is where it in fact is.”

Meanwhile, the article also stated that since the pub accident, “even more cars have been using the road as a rat-run”. The Citizen pointed out that this may be due to the fact that the official diversion was via Nelson Road, but the theory was rubbished by a former local councillor. Pete Gregory, speaking from his Eynesbury home, said, “This is obviously a load of old Gerald Tosh, man. It’s clear that we need seventeen speed bumps and at least three pedestrian crossings on this high-speed Nascar circuit of a road.”

Current councillors were unavailable for comment.

This came as a surprise to the establishment, who “always thought they were in Abbottsley,” and has upset local residents by further linking St Neots into Bedfordshire.

Madcap local councillor Bob Farms recently made headlines by being elected to the council of the parish, which was thought to contain zero buildings or residents, and was said to be “mildly annoyed” that the location of his parish had been discovered.

“We’re not going to stand for this,” said Farms earlier today. “I’ve already started proceedings to have Hardwick moved, along with Loves Farm and the Eynesbury floodplain – I mean, Manor – estates.”

Council leader Cllr Derek Miles had previously offered half a Rowley Million to anyone finding the parish. he was unavailable today for comment.