Local News
Mayor To Get New Stilts
Following uproar over the Town Council spending £3,000 on ceremonial dress for mayor Gerald Thorpe, it was today announced that the council plans a further £1,500 outlay on official mayoral stilts. Former council leader Julia Wayward had previously commented, “I think this town lacks a real sense of civic identity in the way that... »
This Has Been The St Neots Citizen
The Citizen is closed for summer. There is nothing happening. The councillors are boring, there’s been no shootings, and everyone loves the new Tesco’s. Oh St Neots. How you’ve failed us. We’ll be back mid June. Enjoy your two weeks of sunshine! The Editor »
Rude Road Comes Under Fire
The latest road to gain a name on Far Eastside estate Love’s Farm has come under fire for being a bit rude. Belland Hill, which gained it’s name sometime in the last couple of weeks, is not named after anything in particular, according to councillors and developers. However, the name is just one vowel... »
Huntingdon Count Starts Late
Counting Huntingdon constituency’s votes in the farcical 2010 General Election has just started, reports the BBC. The polls closed at 10pm last night, with two seats in Sunderland declaring within the first hour. Huntingdon’s count, however, did not start until 9.08am. “We started counting this morning,” said returning officer Dean Dexter, “because we thought... »
Citizen Election Coverage
The St Neots Citizen today vowed not to bother reporting on tomorrow’s General Election. “It doesn’t matter what happens,” said editor Tim C, “we’re going to end up with either a posh Tory boy who uses his expenses to buy Kit Kats, or a scruffy Lib Dem who never wears a tie and looks... »
EXCLUSIVE: Naked Skateboarder Revealed!!
Always first with the stories that really matter The Citizen can exclusively reveal the identity of St Neots’ early morning 4-wheeled wonder to be none other than Award Winning Local Councillor Larry Hackman. Hackman (3.5 inches) was spotted by sharp-eyed local man Gordon McQueen while out walking his dog this week. “I couldn’t believe... »
Council Plans More Bins
Following news that a council in the Frozen North is using up to nine wheelie bins for each house, HDC today announced a radical new plan for the district’s recyclables. Currently, most people have three wheelie bins, or different coloured bags for their rubbish. The new system will include up to 87 different coloured... »
Lib Dem Posters Cause Confusion
A local Lib Dem attempt to simplify electoral posters has back fired in spectacular fashion, it was revealed yesterday. Long and complicated second names like Gdnagley and van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver have lead to a plague of difficult to spell names displayed all over St Neots. Pre-empting this confusion, local parliamentary... »
White Elephant May Be Grey
Rumours currently circulating St Neots have it that the white elephant building at Alpha Park, Eaton Socon – otherwise known as “that shit-off massive empty warehouse” – may not be so white after all. Beatty Broadband, director of the St Neots Rumour Mill and Chinese Whisper Distribution Depot, today said that the company often... »
Shock As Wayward Abolishes Self
St Neots Town Council were in shock this week as Council Leader Julia Wayward agreed to abolish herself. The roles of council leader and deputy leader will no longer exist, said Wayward today, as they are completely fucking pointless. “Honestly,” Wayward continued, “can you imagine actually LEADING such a rag-tag bunch of whinging little... »
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