Local News
Scientists Sinking Streets?
Scientists at research outfit CERN, whose Large Hadron Collider was rumoured last year to be underneath St Neots, have come under fire again from residents in the Humberley Close area, who are concerned their houses are shrinking. “My house is cracking up,” said Burnt Close resident Sarah Camistic, “and if it goes on much longer... »
Suggestions Invited For 2010 Rumour
St Neots Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot today asked for public submissions for a “sustainable rumour for 2010″. Spokesman Beatty Broadband said “We’ve got to the middle of March and there isn’t one really good bit of shit to circulate around the town. I mean really! We’ve had to spread stories about how surprisingly chilly winter... »
All Pupils Get First Choice Of One School
100% of all St Neots year 6 pupils got their first choice secondary school, it was revealed today. County, District and town councillors were cock waving all day on the results. “You see, us Tory councillors have it all worked out,” said Larry Hackman. “Whoever said that my County and District counterparts were running the area... »
Huntingdon No Longer Eating All The Pies
Residents of our neighbour to the north today expressed upset and dismay that St Neots seems to be roaring ahead of the former county town of late. Huntingdon is now lagging behind its “better brother” St Neots in all-important amenities such as M&S and a household tip. “This is farkin ridiculous,” slurred inebriated Thames Road man... »
Anglian Announces Glow-In-The-Dark Water
Anglian Water today announced plans to introduce glow-in-the-dark water to the region. The move came following plans by a local landfill operator to accept debris from dismantled nuclear power stations, rather than sending the waste to a secure disposal facility as in the past. Samuel South of Peterborough City Council said that he was concerned that... »
Tories Love Carparks Best
Conservative town councillors today showed the world – and the Lib Dems – that they are most committed to saving our free car park at the Riverside, by moving into it. Councillors including Paul Marcel and Larry Hackman parked a 1984 “Sundance 1000″ caravan in the Riverside car park, and declared that they would not... »
Councillor sticks one up The Citizen
In an extraordinary turn of events anonymous anti-social self-thinking Councillor Terrence Dougall, who is currently the subject of a restraining order, has made sense. The Citizen offices were today struck dumb by the rational, logical and non-sensationalist comments by Dougall regarding the planned opening of a new Ice Cream Parlour. Dougall’s planning report stated that “It’s... »
CEO Caught Short
The St Neots toilet closures have claimed their first high profile casualty. HDC CEO Davis Munts was seen fleeing Barrtts department store using obscene language after trying to use the cafe toilet without buying anything. Frightened staff were shaking after a tiraid of abuse from Mr Munts after being told that he would need to buy from the... »
St Neots Residents Discriminated Against
The recent decision by UK security agencies to install full body scanners at airports could unfairly jeopardise the travelling plans of St Neots residents. The machines, which measure 5′ square, will only accommodate approximately 5% of the town’s population, so large are their backsides. “This is an outrage!” said local fence expert and councillor, Steve van... »
Carpark Sponsored By Tesco
Tesco has won the sponsership deal to the Eaton Socon Car park. That car park was closed by councillors recently due to it’s bad state. The current sponsors St Mary’s church were up in arms. Rev Lovegod said, “Its was a shame to lose our – I mean, the community car parking here. But the Tesco... »
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