‘Local News’ Microfiche
Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed
Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. Many had been puzzling for weeks why “traces of horse DNA”, rather than actual horse meat, had been found in many low-end frozen meals, and some [Read More]
Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup
Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, relying instead on stories lifted directly from social media. In a test of the system recently, the CENITM told readers of a scam involving motorists being [Read More]
New School Thief-Proof
South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft measures. Motorists on the A428 have been watching with interest from their daily traffic jam as the building takes place, noting that it appears to be made [Read More]
Shock At Lasagne Meat Content
St Neots’ frozen food connoisseurs were outraged today after it was revealed that some Findus lasagnes may only contain “up to 60% horse meat”. The microwavable delights were quickly withdrawn from sale so that the allegations could be investigated. Horse [Read More]
Jesus “Ultimate Guest” Say Kyle Team
A researcher for Britain’s favourite mid-morning diversion The Jeremy Kyle Show has revealed that the show plans to book Jesus as a guest. “It seems obvious really,” said Robert Kilroy-Silk, who used to host his own show until he turned into an on-air [Read More]
Shock As Casual Friday Not Extinct
Office-based employees across the UK were stunned this week to find that Eighties invention Casual Friday, where staff who wear a shirt and tie the rest of the week all turn up in jeans, still exists. Expert Scientists previously believed that the phenomenon had died out [Read More]
Under Town Heating To Get Go-Ahead?
St Neots could be the first town to benefit from a new type of snow and ice removal system if plans are approved by county councillors. Despite being in a sheltered area and receiving an extremely low annual snowfall, Neotians are often upset when their routines are [Read More]
St Neots Wakes To Lack Of Winter Wonderland
St Neots woke up to a complete lack of wintry weather this morning, after the rest of the country announced via Facebook that it was indeed a “snow day”. Despite feeling a bit sick as we typed snow day, the Citizen ventured out into the world to investigate. [Read More]
UK Shocked By Horse Burgers
Conversation across the country briefly turned from how shocking this completely expected seasonal weather is to the contents of beefburgers sold by at least two supermarkets. Tests by the FSAI in Ireland found that fattie-biscuits sold by Tesco and Iceland contained [Read More]
Whole Town Surprised By Cold White Stuff
St Neots woke up to a half-hearted blanket of snow this morning, and collectively gasped at the spectacle. Despite a week of weather forecasts promising it would “definitely snow on Sunday night”, not one of the towns 27,000 residents was prepared for the [Read More]
