News In Brief
Mayor To Get New Stilts
Following uproar over the Town Council spending £3,000 on ceremonial dress for mayor Gerald Thorpe, it was today announced that the council plans a further £1,500 outlay on official mayoral stilts. Former council leader Julia Wayward had previously commented, “I think this town lacks a real sense of civic identity in the way that... »
Rude Road Comes Under Fire
The latest road to gain a name on Far Eastside estate Love’s Farm has come under fire for being a bit rude. Belland Hill, which gained it’s name sometime in the last couple of weeks, is not named after anything in particular, according to councillors and developers. However, the name is just one vowel... »
Citizen Election Coverage
The St Neots Citizen today vowed not to bother reporting on tomorrow’s General Election. “It doesn’t matter what happens,” said editor Tim C, “we’re going to end up with either a posh Tory boy who uses his expenses to buy Kit Kats, or a scruffy Lib Dem who never wears a tie and looks... »
Shock As Wayward Abolishes Self
St Neots Town Council were in shock this week as Council Leader Julia Wayward agreed to abolish herself. The roles of council leader and deputy leader will no longer exist, said Wayward today, as they are completely fucking pointless. “Honestly,” Wayward continued, “can you imagine actually LEADING such a rag-tag bunch of whinging little... »
Ballot Papers Too Short For Steve
Eynesbury Lib Dem councillor Steven van der Whitevanman was under pressure today to change his name by deedpoll to something a little shorter. Whitevanman, whose full name is Steven van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver, came under attack by Electoral Reform officials who say his name is too long for a... »
News In Recession – Official
The Editor of the St Neots Citizen today apologised for the lack of recent updates, saying “really, guys, there is fuck all to report.” He went on, “We promised less councillor bitching, moaning and cock-waving than other papers, but we can’t deliver that right now as that is all the councillors are doing. “It’s... »
Anglian Announces Glow-In-The-Dark Water
Anglian Water today announced plans to introduce glow-in-the-dark water to the region. The move came following plans by a local landfill operator to accept debris from dismantled nuclear power stations, rather than sending the waste to a secure disposal facility as in the past. Samuel South of Peterborough City Council said that he was... »
Councillors Excited About Starting School
Childish local councillors Paul Marcel, Harry Shipman and Terrence Dougall were today reported to be excited about starting full-time primary education in the Spring term. Following revelations that the councillors are all in fact five years old – explaining instantly why they all act so childishly – Bushmead and Middlefield schools offered places to... »
Shock As Citizen Avoids Predictable Christmas Lights Story
Readers were shocked today as the Citizen avoided publishing a predicatable story about St Neots’ rubbish festive illuminations. Editor Tim C said, “You couldn’t make it up really, so why even try? “Over the past few years we have had increasingly awful Christmas lights displays, ever since that one gantry fell down on some... »
Councillor Launches Crusade To Save Local Buildings
Town councillor Steven van der Whitevanman today launched a campaign to ensure that a number of historical buildings in St Neots are not lost to redevelopment. A number of businesses and services have closed recently leaving an even higher number of empty shops and offices than usual. Many would consider these eyesores, but Whitevanman... »
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