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Thursday April 27th 2017

‘Local News’ Microfiche

UK Shocked By Horse Burgers

UK Shocked By Horse Burgers

Conversation across the country briefly turned from how shocking this completely expected seasonal weather is to the contents of beefburgers sold by at least two supermarkets. Tests by the FSAI in Ireland found that fattie-biscuits sold by Tesco and Iceland contained [Read More]

Whole Town Surprised By Cold White Stuff

Whole Town Surprised By Cold White Stuff

St Neots woke up to a half-hearted blanket of snow this morning, and collectively gasped at the spectacle. Despite a week of weather forecasts promising it would “definitely snow on Sunday night”, not one of the towns 27,000 residents was prepared for the [Read More]

Home Phone Confuses Teen

Home Phone Confuses Teen

After losing her iPhone this week, local teen Rosalinda Maciejewski found herself completely confounded by 20th century communications technology. “I felt so cut off,” said Maciejewski, 15, who misplaced her shiny iThing when off her face on White Ace cider in [Read More]

Fatties Rejoice As Golden Arches Given Go-Ahead

Fatties Rejoice As Golden Arches Given Go-Ahead

South Cambridgeshire fast food lovers were overjoyed yesterday as SCDC’s planning committee approved redevelopment of the Yim Wah site at Caxton Gibbett. Work will soon begin on replacing the burnt-out shell of the former Chinese restaurant with McDonalds, Subway, and [Read More]

Oldies Back Anti-Speeding Plan

Oldies Back Anti-Speeding Plan

Cambridgeshire’s OAPs can once again rest easy, after the menace of sales reps and boy racers in Kev’d-up Saxos speeding through their villages is to be tackled. No longer will the county’s septegenarians need to don hi-vis jackets and stand beside the [Read More]

Local Couple Keep Facebook Mostly Baby-Free

Local Couple Keep Facebook Mostly Baby-Free

Local new parents Edward and Leanne Spatchflick today fielded bewildered wall posts from friends concerned about the health of their child, Errol, who was born three weeks ago. Other than one quick “look, this is our new baby” snap taken with Edward’s HTC [Read More]

Urban Shortcutter Comes A Cropper

Urban Shortcutter Comes A Cropper

A Cambridge driver has come unstuck by driving his enormous Jaguar onto a cycle bridge. The “unobservant” driver was able to access the decrepit footbridge between Rustat Road and Devonshire Road after mysterious vandals pinched a wooden bollard. Eyewitnesses [Read More]

BBC Accused Of Anti-Southern Bias

BBC Accused Of Anti-Southern Bias

The BBC was today accused of being against the South after a third successive Northerner was announced as new breakfast show host. Extravagantly-haired Nick Grimshaw, 27, who also presents angsty teen favourite T4, was revealed to be the new smug face of breakfast [Read More]

Stagecoach Ends Bus Number Confusion

Stagecoach Ends Bus Number Confusion

Local bus operator Stagecoach this week announced their intention to end bus route confusion by giving all bus services the same number. Despite having an unlimited supply of integers to choose from, June saw the introduction of the X4 service from Cambridge to St Neots, [Read More]

Listeners Celebrate/Mourn Moyles Departure

Listeners Celebrate/Mourn Moyles Departure

Neotians were this morning alternately rejoicing or crying into their cornflakes, after the news that Chris Moyles is to leave the Radio 1 breakfast show in September. The formerly chubby Northerner broke the news this morning to the shock and/or delight of listeners. [Read More]

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This Just In

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

New School Thief-Proof

New School Thief-Proof

South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

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