Local News
Tory Petition To Feature In New Exhibition
St Neots museum today announced a new exhibition of famous myths and legends and the Conservatives “much trumpeted” car park petition is to feature as one of the main attractions. Museum curator Arthur Archive commented “This exhibition is an exciting display of famous myths and legends, featuring the Tory petition. It will be displayed... »
Tories Confident Eynesbury Seat Is Safe
The St Neots Conservative group (SNCG) are so confident they can keep the Eynesbury seat in the District Elections they have nominated a resident of Grafham. When asked why had they (SNCG) had nominated someone from so far afield, Cllr Paul Marcel replied “Grafham’s not that far. We have allowed our District councillors to... »
WVM Promises New Fences For All
Liberal Democrat councillor Steve van der Whitevanman has promised new fences if re-elected – but only for Eynesbury residents. Cllr vn der Whitevanman has a long-standing history with fences after campaigning tirelessly for a new one at the Cambridge Street / Sandfields Road junction last year. Now the councillor hopes to win votes by... »
Ballot Papers Too Short For Steve
Eynesbury Lib Dem councillor Steven van der Whitevanman was under pressure today to change his name by deedpoll to something a little shorter. Whitevanman, whose full name is Steven van der Whitevandriver van der Whitevandriverman van der Whitevandriver, came under attack by Electoral Reform officials who say his name is too long for a... »
Baby Boomers Ate All The Pies
Over-45′s in St Neots are being blamed for eating all the pies – as well as all the other food, drinking all the drinks and using the last of the loo roll. “This is well unacceptable,” said Eaton Socon man Darryn Draynpype, 28. “Seems that all the oldies have well and truly fucked us... »
Monster Raving Looneys Far Too Sensible
The local candidate for the Monster Raving Looney party, Lord Ropey Rug, was today declared “far too sensible” by members of the less-interesting parties. “The Looney’s are supposed to come up with some really amusing – but unrealistic – policies to keep everyone smiling through the election ridiculousness,” said Conservative party candidate and current... »
Town To Abandon Pound?
It was sensationally revealed tonight that, if elected, the Lib Dems plan to opt St Neots out of the United Kingdom’s currency, the Great British Pound. “The quid is a bit of an outdated concept,” said Steve van der Whitevanman at this evening’s press conference, “seeing as everything costs so fucking much now. I... »
News In Recession – Official
The Editor of the St Neots Citizen today apologised for the lack of recent updates, saying “really, guys, there is fuck all to report.” He went on, “We promised less councillor bitching, moaning and cock-waving than other papers, but we can’t deliver that right now as that is all the councillors are doing. “It’s... »
Councillor Breaks World Record For Sport Relief
Councillor Larry Hackman has gone the extra mile for Sport Relief this week by smashing the previous world record for “blahring” . Posting on a local interweb forum Councillor Hackman continually “blahed” longer and with less interest than all of his political rivals. Commenting on local council strategy under his tag LH, Hackman started... »
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