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Tuesday December 11th 2018

‘Local News’ Microfiche

St Neots Large Hadron Collider Mix Up Solved

St Neots Large Hadron Collider Mix Up Solved

Further to the earlier report that St Neots was home to worlds most expensive catherine wheel, The Citizen can now exclusively reveal the source of the misunderstanding. What had actually been spotted was a Small Colander Divider (SCD) in the latest Bettaware catalogue. [Read More]

Large Hadron Collider May Succeed Where AA Failed

Large Hadron Collider May Succeed Where AA Failed

Ten years ago the AA attempted to rid the world of St Neots by literally wiping it off the map. Fortunately, life does not immitate cartography and the town survived. However, now a new and much more real threat presents itself in the form of the Large Hadron Collider, or [Read More]

New Houses “Might Mean More People”

New Houses “Might Mean More People”

Huntingdonshire District Council this week proposed another 5000 houses for St Neots, despite the fact that no-one is available to live in them. Development has already slowed on the Loves Farm development in the Far East section of the town, on account of nobody buying the [Read More]

August Festival “Just Rubbish Carnival” Admits Council

August Festival “Just Rubbish Carnival” Admits Council

The town council today admitted that the much-maligned August Festival was indeed “just a rubbish version of the carnival”, and not a completely new concept as previously claimed. The August Festival, otherwise known as the Riverside Festival, Summer Festival [Read More]

KFC Rumours Renewed

KFC Rumours Renewed

A popular St Neots rumour, regarding KFC building a fast-food restaurant on the site of the Bell in Eaton Socon, has resurfaced in this weeks local press. Dale E. Goszyp, of the St Neots Chinese Whispers Distribution Depot, said, “We’ve been perpetuating this [Read More]

Pub Relocated According To Residents

Pub Relocated According To Residents

Locals were surprised to read in a local paper this week that the Waggon and Horses, which last week was “accidentally” turned into a drive-thru, is apparently now located in Nelson Road. The front page of the Town Crier this week carried a story covering [Read More]

Sandbanks Now Rivalled by Eynesbury Riviera

Sandbanks Now Rivalled by Eynesbury Riviera

Multi-million pound properties in the exclusive Dorset region of Sandbanks have been pushed into 5th place in the list of the world’s most expensive real estate by the current development on the Great Ouse East Bank. Even the most fervent supporters of St Neots [Read More]

St Neots Multi-Screen Has New Backer

St Neots Multi-Screen Has New Backer

In an amazing turn of events the doomed scheme to provide St Neots with a state of the art multi-screen cinema complex has been revived due to the interest of a major movie chain. “All Things Electrical (And Widescreen Cinemas) 2008 Ltd.” yesterday announced [Read More]

First Drive-Thru Pub Opens In St Neots

First Drive-Thru Pub Opens In St Neots

Eaton Socon pub the Waggon & Horses has become the UK’s first drive-thru pub, attracting controversy from anti-drink-drive campaigners. “Well,” said Peter Guinness, a spokesman for Pubmaster, “We noticed a lack of drive-thru’s in St Neots [Read More]

Area Residents Dislike Environment

Area Residents Dislike Environment

Resident of villages near St Neots are up in arms about a proposed local wind farm – and say they’d much rather have a coal-fired power station instead. “It’s a fuckin disgrace,” said Toseland man James Hague. “These lefty greeny loonies [Read More]

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This Just In

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

New School Thief-Proof

New School Thief-Proof

South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

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