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Friday August 17th 2018

‘Local News’ Microfiche

Christmas Lights “Big Switch-On” This Week

Christmas Lights “Big Switch-On” This Week

St Neots Town Council has announced that the big switch on will be taking place next Friday, 25th July. Dean Dexter, a spokesperson from the Town Council, said “we are absolutely delighted to be switching the lights on next week as it will really help boost trade in the [Read More]

EU Directive Forces St Neots To Rethink Market Square

EU Directive Forces St Neots To Rethink Market Square

St Neots is getting caught up in the new EU Directive 2008/23/EC on Quadrilaterals in Urban Centres which has been transposed into UK law. The new law states that market squares which are not perfect squares must be stripped of their “square” status. Dean Dexter, of St [Read More]

No-One Surprised As Club Doesn’t Open

No-One Surprised As Club Doesn’t Open

St Neots’ newest “night venue”, Worx, did not open as planned last Friday, surprising exactly no-one.   Local papers were quick to pun the fact that building worx had over-run. General manager Leanne Hack said, “Well yeah obviously we are disappointed. Mainly cos [Read More]

Expert Scientists Reveal True Identity Of Yeti

Expert Scientists Reveal True Identity Of Yeti

Expert Scientists have today revealed that, after extensive research, the Yeti is in fact not a myth or an elaborate hoax but is merely a polar bear.   Professor S. Handi, of Howard Road Research Laboratories, said “After extensive studies and following around of this [Read More]

St Neots Town Centre “Safe” Complains Local Man

St Neots Town Centre “Safe” Complains Local Man

St Neots has unexpectedly been declared “Safe” after a local resident travelled the length of the High Street – and back again – without incident.   Theloneius P. Staker, of Eaton Ford, said, “This morning I have walked up and down the High Street, both sides. I [Read More]

Local Magazine Campaigns To Save Local Phoneboxes

Local Magazine Campaigns To Save Local Phoneboxes

From Oi! Magazine issue five. Save Our Phone Box Campaign. BT’s decision to close several public toilets in St Neots town centre has caused outrage amongst the local youth underclass. Many of these adolescents were conceived in these urinals and as such could claim [Read More]

Council Developes New Executive Living

Council Developes New Executive Living

Story by JCM [Read More]

Tesco “Not Mothership”

Tesco “Not Mothership”

Tesco have denied claims that their St Neots store is an alien craft after Parklands residents reported an eerie green glow. The St Neots store was recently refurbished, and was advertised as being the first in the country to get the new “green glass” look. But [Read More]

EU Leaves St Neots Motorists In A Spin

EU Leaves St Neots Motorists In A Spin

A new ruling introduced by the EU, to take effect from January 1st, is set to create chaos on the roads of St Neots. Fifteen more roundabouts are to be erected on the Great North Road in order to obtain new European funding. Residents were said to be “in shock”. [Read More]

Grand Opening Of More Empty Shops

Grand Opening Of More Empty Shops

St Neots Council today proudly announced the addition of another fourteen empty shops to the town centre. Paines Brewery on the Market Square has stood empty since the late eighties, and after years of stalling has finally been converted into shops, offices and maybe flats, [Read More]

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This Just In

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

New School Thief-Proof

New School Thief-Proof

South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

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