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Thursday November 23rd 2017

‘Local News’ Microfiche

Rubbish Summer Actually Mild Winter

Rubbish Summer Actually Mild Winter

Met Office officials today sought to make everyone feel better about recent poor weather by declaring that June and July 2012 are officially “winter”. [Read More]

Local Man Overexcited By Local Infrastructure

Local Man Overexcited By Local Infrastructure

Eaton Socon resident David Norway, 32, was recovering today after a minor mental breakdown as he got too excited about the completion of local engineering projects. The Roberts Close man, who works as a drug guidance counsellor, had been away on holiday for two months, and [Read More]

Huntingdon Replaces Crack With Books

Huntingdon Replaces Crack With Books

Reports in the national press today suggest that the number of heroin and crack users in the UK is falling. “This situation is totally unacceptable,” says Warren Pearce, 22, who lives on the Oxmoor Estate’s notorious Kent Road and is the chairman of the [Read More]

Chav Superhighway Funding Exclusive

Chav Superhighway Funding Exclusive

As the bridge is opened over the Great Ouse, St Neots Citizen has uncovered the missing funding donor for the Eynesbury to Eatons Chav Superhighway. It appears that the unaccounted-for money, to the tune of a Rowley Million, has been put forward by a consortium made up of [Read More]

Commuters Still Not Happy

Commuters Still Not Happy

St Neots residents who commute into Cambridge were complaining this week after their previous complaints were resolved. Bus company Ragecoach adjusted their legendary Mighty X5 service a fortnight ago after users complained that it stopped too often, especially on the [Read More]

Lack Of Parking Infuriates Residents

Lack Of Parking Infuriates Residents

Locals were today perplexed and angered that it had become impossible to park in the town centre. Parking on the Market Square has been suspended for the weekend to allow for the time wasting SunFest, also known as the August Festival, Summer Festival or Sort-Of Carnival, [Read More]

Rubbish Weather Still A Shocker

Rubbish Weather Still A Shocker

St Neots residents were surprised to find, once again, that the weather over the bank holiday was due to be bloody awful. The Citizen has always aimed to keep locals up to date on the terrible meteorlogical situation over the summer, as when we correctly predicted two years [Read More]

St Neots Squares Up To Newmarket

St Neots Squares Up To Newmarket

Neotians were today preparing for a scrap as it was announced that Newmarket, mostly over the border in Suffolk, was considering changing to a much more prosperous county – potentially robbing St Neots of it’s “largest town” status. “This [Read More]

Chavs Rubbish At Rioting

Chavs Rubbish At Rioting

St Neots teens have tried and completely failed to start a riot in a copycat incident following disturbances in London and around the UK this week. Angry fourteen-year-olds – up to five of them – gathered on the Market Square last night armed with pictures of [Read More]

Councillor Re-Brands!

Councillor Re-Brands!

“Opal Fruits” became “Starburst” and “Marathon” turned into “Snickers”. The marvellous “JIF” is now “CIF”! All lame attempts to increase the profile of the product and the latest ruse by genial local [Read More]

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This Just In

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

New School Thief-Proof

New School Thief-Proof

South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

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