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Tuesday May 23rd 2017

‘Local News’ Microfiche

BK “Helping NHS”

BK “Helping NHS”

The Burger King franchise in Addenbrookes concourse has hit back today over claims that its presence in the hospital was counter-intuitive and downright unhealthy. Chris Green, 40, who runs the franchise which is owned by the Barometer Group, said that the fast-food outlet [Read More]

Beirut Not A Warzone

Beirut Not A Warzone

Newly local man Martin Walsh, planning a charity bike ride to Beirut in Lebanon, has revealed that the city is “not actually a warzone”. People have recently called Martin “fucking mental” for attempting the epic journey which he’ll start at [Read More]

Seals “Probably Not Armed” Say Wildlife Experts

Seals “Probably Not Armed” Say Wildlife Experts

Expert Scientists sought to allay fears of residents today after it was spread about on the internet that various water-dwelling creatures, such as seals and otters, were planning some sort of wildlife war. The rumours started after a seal, which startled some cows in [Read More]

Merger Talks Break Down

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Merger Talks Break Down

Discussions of a merger between St Neots and it’s inferior neighbours Huntingdon and St Ives today ended without conclusion after councillors cited ‘irreconcilable differences’. The Citizen reported on the merger last month, with councillors Marcel and van [Read More]

Daily Mail: “Can Cause Cancer”

Daily Mail: “Can Cause Cancer”

National scaremongers the Daily Mail were taken aback today after their in-house team of Expert Scientists revealed that constantly reading about things that cause cancer causes cancer. [Read More]

Going For A Spin

Going For A Spin

Councillors have announced a new plan to reduce accident rates on St Neots' roundabouts [Read More]

St Neots Trials Alternative Alternative Vote

St Neots Trials Alternative Alternative Vote

The town council today announced that from the next by-elections, it will trial the new Alternative Alternatvie Vote system. The Government was last week voting on a referendum to change the system for general elections to AV, where votes for the least-popular candidate are [Read More]

Local Schools Abandon Phonics For Nuspeak

Local Schools Abandon Phonics For Nuspeak

Local primary schools have announced that they will not follow Government plans to use phonics to teach children to read. A story in the national news today (Saturday) explained how children will be tested on non-words such as ‘zort’ and ‘koob’, to [Read More]

Newsrags Announce New A14 Reporting Mechanism

Newsrags Announce New A14 Reporting Mechanism

Local newsrags today announced they were going to stop reporting on crashes on the A14 in favour of a new automated approach. The road, which is on target to meet it’s quota for closures in 2011, has been closed six times in the last three weeks due to incidents [Read More]

St Neots Plunged Into Dark Age

St Neots Plunged Into Dark Age

Controversy swept the town earlier today when the local green movement decided that the world could saved by covering the whole of St Neots with Bacofoil. “I’ve studied this long and hard and can say without question that the amount of energy I can trap in my [Read More]

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This Just In

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

New School Thief-Proof

New School Thief-Proof

South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

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