News In Brief
Carpark Sponsored By Tesco
Tesco has won the sponsership deal to the Eaton Socon Car park. That car park was closed by councillors recently due to it’s bad state. The current sponsors St Mary’s church were up in arms. Rev Lovegod said, “Its was a shame to lose our – I mean, the community car parking here. But... »
Police Keen To Blame All Crimes On Unique
Local law enforcers were today said to be glad that they had a scapegoat for every single crime committed in the five weeks that the Unique bar, on South Street, was open. “It seems a likely target,” said local copper PC George Plotkiss. “Now the bar has been shut down, we can say that... »
Local Perv "Upset"
A former St Neots “pant pincher” has accused the Council of misrepresentation. “When I read that the council had installed a “dump” cam I was well excited,” said Fred Gaines, 61. “No more lurking around the public lavvies and getting nicked by plod. I rigged myself up with new computer only to find a... »
Councillor Caught Thinking
In a Citizen exclusive we can reveal that local Councillor Terrence Dougall has been caught "thinking for himself." In a move that will shock many, not least his constituency party, Mr Dougall has finally followed through his intention to use his own brain for "working stuff out." Last week, in an unprecedented move, Mr Dougall... »
Local Chavs "Confused, Lost and Lonely" says Social Worker
Dee Dington, a local nosey cow social worker has stepped into the row over the ever shrinking facilities for youth in the Town. "It really is horrific. First we refuse to provide multi-screen cinemas, health spas and sports facilities every 300 yards. Then we shut the only place where our deprived youngsters can binge... »
Retailers Kick Up A Stink
A number of local retailers have been kicking up stink, after it was announced that the High Street would be closed for a month. The road closure for work on the sewerage system was publicly announced just days before Iceland opened on the Market Square. Many retailers have been left furious by this, and... »
Town Council Embraces The CyberAge!
St Neots Town Council officials have wholeheartedly embraced the inter-net revolution The Citizen can exclusively reveal. A local website has published the “tag” of councillor “DeffaM” and you can follow his exploits on growing anti-social networking site “Twit…Err?” Tim Berners-Lee was unavailable for comment. »
Town Council Not Sitting On Fence
Town councillors have demanded that the County Council take action in repairing the broken fencing along part of Cambridge Street. The call for action to be taken on the fencing comes amidst concerns that it is dangerous and makes the are look more unsightly. The Town Council have been keen to point out it... »
Confusion As Entire Country Does Not Move Into Town Centre
A spokesman for the Icelandic government today announced that the entire country was not packing up and relocating to empty local Woolworths stores. Prime Minister Geir Haarde’s aide Olaaf Davesson re-iterated earlier statements that the country, and it’s population, was staying put. “I am as acutely aware as the rest of Europe,” said Davesson,... »
Local Store Accidentally Discovers Fireproof Money
Following a break-in at the Co-op food store in Great North Road, during which intruders attempted to gain access to the contents of the cash machine using a blow-torch, the manager has claimed to have discovered “Fireproof Money”. “Yep,” said Dave Bedejaz, 42. “They scorched the cash machine and the ceiling and all sorts,... »
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