Since the disappearance of local award winning Cock-Waver extraordinaire Cllr Larry Hackman the town has found itself without a Self-Promotion Champion.

All that changed this week as part-time army chef and bean-counting councillor Harry “R” Rogerson whipped his metaphorical manhood out and gave it a good wave, announcing “THE CINEMA IS A DAMN GOOD IDEA, IT’S NOT MINE, BUT IT MIGHT BE IF IT DOESN’T FAIL. I DON’T KNOW WHY IT’S A GOOD IDEA BUT I KNOW IT’S A GOOD IDEA BECAUSE MARCEL, HACKMAN AND THE OTHERS TOLD ME. THEY ALSO SAID I COULD BE THE SPOKESBLOKE. SEE, I TOLD YOU I WAS WELL IMPORTANT!”

The Citizen asked Cllr Rogerson for his observations on the socio-economic chance for the cinema’s survival based on the local demographic. “YOU FRICKIN’ WHAT?” observed the councillor. “ALL I FUCKIN KNOW IS THAT I CAN GET DOWN THERE WITH THE MISSUS ON SATURDAY NIGHT, HAVE GOOD BEVVY, WATCH A RIGHT GOOD TEAR UP WITH CHUCK NORRIS IN THE PICTURES AND HAVE A RUCK UP THE ROSE AFTER!”

The Citizen is keen to promote the work of good honest cock-wavers like Cllr Rogerson and will be following his exploits closely.

The new police photo...

Regular readers of the online edition of the Cambridge Used-To-Be-In-The-Evening News were today shocked to discover a new standard police image on a story about something to do with a road.

Traditionally, the website is too lazy to take pictures of anything relating to traffic problems, and just uses a shot of the back of a copper’s hi-vis vest (below).

...and the old one

People logging on this afternoon were confused. “It’s quite like the old one, but a bit different,” said Comberton resident Clare Fading. “Not sure I like it.” Cambridge human Barbie Natalie Trees agreed. “They shouldn’t have changed this image, cos like, now I won’t instantly know what the story is about.”

The publishers of the CUTBITEN said that they were sure readers would soon adapt. “After all,” said one staffer, “we’ve been using an A14 sign that someone knocked up on Paint for the last three years, and no-one’s even noticed.”

Editor Tim C said the summer recess was due to last until September, but there hadn’t really been enough summer. Reporter Francisco Sanchez commented that he hadn’t even noticed the site was not updating. “Generally,” said Sanchez, “I write stuff and leave it lying around, and sometimes the editor picks it up.

“You don’t think I actually read it, do you? LOLS!”

Only Militant Steve van der Whitevanman and Conservative opponent Harry “R” Rogerson had anything new to say, with the rest of the councillors harping on about community centres in Eynesbury.

St Neots heads to the polls today to elect town councillors and to take part in the Alternative Vote referendum.

“Unfortunately,” said Militant Steve, “the rest of the candidates in St Neots seem to have disappeared. Should be another resounding success for the Lib Dems!”

The Citizen does not support any political party, but thinks you should probably vote Lib Dem for town council, even if it’s just because they’re quite good at making sure we pay less tax than Huntingdon or St Ives.

Vote Yes to AV. You know, just to see if it works. It’ll be a giggle.

Spokesman Darren Waynerightyeah was said to be “embarrassed” yesterday after his group of semi-literate morons, collected from the Market Square on a Friday night, travelled to Washington after mixing up the names “Osama” and “Obama”.

“We very nearly had the wrong fellow there,” said Waynerightyeah, 17, who is currently travelling back to St Neots to sit his GCSE exams at Ernulf School St Neots Community College. “I can tell you, that would have left us mightily red-faced!”

The error was discovered after one of the group noticed a report in favourite newsrag the Sun about the current controversy over the US president’s place of birth. “Bloody good job as well,” says Waynerightyeah. “If Frankie hadn’t been reading page three’s informative News In Briefs, we might never have realised that these were not only two different people, but mortal enemies!”

Scheme mastermind DI Kim Stonely-Bolton of Cambridgeshire Constabulary commented, “If they’d accidentally shot Brack Obama, I’m fairly sure the US would have considered it an act of war. Unlike when they decide someone needs killing, when it becomes a necessity to ensure the future of the free world. Obviously.”

The White House refused to comment last night.

Local staff nurse Nicola Pinkside and her compatriots were accosted by police in the overgrown concrete Hertfordshire shithole and forcibly ejected from the so-called town. “Apparently we’d smashed up a pub earlier in the evening,” said Pinkside, “but frankly I think I’d remember that.”

A spokesman for Hertfordshire Constabulary said, “It’s obvious these Cambridgeshire girls were to blame for the pub-destroying incident. No-one from Stevenage ever does anything violent ever.”

Stevenage suffers from a high level of violent crime compared to the surrounding area, and it is thought the local rozzers are keen to blame all the borough’s problems on intruders from the more salubrious county to the North. “I think we can close the book on every unsolved nan-mugging and midnight shoeing in the area,” said Pc Ras Prince, “as it’s clear that we’ve now removed this violent Cantabridgian faction.”

St Neots councillors responded by demanding Stevenagers look “in the fucking mirror” to find all the criminals they could ever want.

Local teens and timewasting office workers were at a loss as the social network announced that accounts were unavailable due to a site issue.

“I didn’t know what to do,” said Chantelle Roxette, 15, of Sandfields Road. “I wanted to chat to my mates Chanelle and Chardonnay about what they’d done in the fifteen minutes since I saw them in town, and couldn’t. How am I expected to communicate without Facebook?”

Local unemployed accounts payable supervisor Craig Errens, 24, managed to come up with an alternative. “I remembered that a couple of years ago we had email,” said Errens, who works part time as a cultural icon. “So I powered that up and did some work.”

It is estimated that productivity across the UK increased 32.7% during the outage.

The infamous Leyland Cyprus hedge was planted behind Eynesbury Rovers’ football ground after neighbours complained that the club’s floodlights made it impossible to do anything at all in their houses, acting as a midnight sun.

Resident Jean Tate, 69, said that by 4pm the sun has disappeared, and “all you can see is hedge.”

Mrs Tate continued that “Eynesbury Rovers are doing shit-all to address our concerns. I’m fed up of living in semi-darkness the whole year round. They’d better act soon or I’ll just burn the fuckers down.”

Derek Steels, who has worked at volunteer-run Rovers since dinosaurs roamed the Earth, replied: “We’ve offered to chop a few feet off the top, but we’re not actually going to do it ‘cos we’re skint. Still the neighbours won’t stop complaining.

“Really, you can’t please some people. First it was too bright, because of the lights; now it’s too dark because of the hedges we’ve put up to block out the lights.”

It is thought that the club are looking into buying a large mirror to reflect some extra sunlight into back gardens in the road. “In the meantime,” said Steels, “they’ll just have to spend more time on the other side of the house.”

“THAT’S RIGHT, YOU ‘ORRIBLE LOT. I’M GOING TO WHIP YOU LAZY MALINGERING SAD EXCUSES FOR COUNCILLORS INTO SHAPE OR MY NAME’S NOT “R”! He said.

Adding, “I’VE BEEN IN THE ARMY YOU KNOW! BY CHRIST WE KNEW HOW TO DO STUFF IN THE ARMY AND I’M GOING TO DO THE SAME TO ST NEOTS! I’VE ALREADY HAD A LIGHT BULB REPLACED UP THE HIGH STREET. IT TOOK FIVE LETTERS, SEVEN EMAILS AND A VISIT TO HDC BUT BY FUCK I GOT IT DONE! I WOULD HAVE GOT UP THERE MESELF BUT MY LADDER WASN’T AS LONG AS THE ONE THE ARMY HAD!”

Mr Rogerson, who served for over 18 months as a Private in the Territorial Army Catering Support Regiment, believes his front-line experience of dishing up stew three times a day will be exactly what the town needs to bring itself into the 21st century.

“WHEN WE WAS TOLD TO COOK THE DINNER, WE COOKED THE FUCKING DINNER! NO IFS, NO BUTS, WE FUCKING COOKED IT! THAT’S WHAT THIS SHAMBLES OF A TOWN NEEDS, FUCKING COOKING!” He shouted.

The former spud peeler made his comments on a local web-based shouting forum where councillors regularly spend hours competing to see who can post the most boring comment. Mr Rogerson however fell foul of the forum rules on declaring political allegiance.

“I HAVE NOT AND WILL NEVER STAND AS A COUNCILLOR, NOR WILL I BE DECLARING MY IDENTITY, NOR DO I FUCKING NEED TO!”

Mr Rogerson then went onto declare his interest in standing as a councillor at the forthcoming elections and added his political party membership to his posts. The Citizen welcomes this swift u-turn and applauds Mr Rogerson for continuing the timed honoured St Neots political tradition of mind changing under pressure. We see a bright future (for our reporters).

Councillor Steve van der Whitevanman said of the move today, “I think Mr Sheen would be a great ambassador for the Westside. His track record of winning will be a welcome change after cllr Gordon’s history of vanishing.”

Sheen has not yet replied to the invite. It is thought that councillors plan to send him a case of Tiger Blood as a sweetner.