That car park was closed by councillors recently due to it’s bad state. The current sponsors St Mary’s church were up in arms.

Rev Lovegod said, “Its was a shame to lose our – I mean, the community car parking here. But the Tesco sponsorship deal was worth £9k more than ours.”

Mrs Stone of Glasshouse Close stated that she was worried about Tesco’s use of the area and that HGV’s could use it. However, all fears of that were put to rest when St Neots Mayor Grandon Thrapps stated “We shall put a no HGV sign on the car park. That’ll stop the buggers.”

Cllr Norbert Barrier has since repaired the car park ahead of the sponsorship.

“It seems a likely target,” said local copper PC George Plotkiss. “Now the bar has been shut down, we can say that every crime committed in town while it was open was their fault, and subsequently say we’ve solved them all by closing them down.”

Former Unique staff were reluctant to comment.

“When I read that the council had installed a “dump” cam I was well excited,” said Fred Gaines, 61. “No more lurking around the public lavvies and getting nicked by plod. I rigged myself up with new computer only to find a grainy picture of bloke with a shovel scratching his arse. I have my standards. When are the council going to cater for us minorities properly?”

Last week, in an unprecedented move, Mr Dougall claimed that the council should “get the most money for a bit of land rather than the least.” Shocked constituents were stunned at this rare insight into the real estate business. Local newspaper magnate Tim C. said “Fuck sake.” Whilst property consultant Queenie Thomas added “this is fucking astounding, no wonder we’ve being bleeding cash over the last year; all my staff have now been instructed to sell for the most not the least!”

However Mr Dougall’s party colleagues were less convinced. Council Leader Julie Wayward commented “I might as well give up! When are these bell-ends going to realise that thinking for themselves is a no-no. I mean they’re nice enough blokes but trying to be clever? It’s never going to work.”

Jean-Paul Sartre was unavailable for thinking.

Referring of course to the recent Worx closure Miss Dington chose to gob off even though no one, least of all The Citizen, could give a blind toss. In fact most right minded people gave a sigh of relief once the place shut it doors forever.

The Citizen sent a reporter out onto the street to see if Miss Dington’s claims of “confusion and loneliness” were in any way valid.

“What you fucking looking at?”  screamed one passer-by as our reporter approached a bunch of scrotes outside The Corner House. Asking for the groups perception of the socio-economic and facilities/benefit impact of receivership closures of local franchises our reporter was set about mercilessly.

Speaking from his Hinchinbrooke hospital bed he said “she might have a point – they did seem rather tense.”

Ray Winstone was unavailable for comment.

The road closure for work on the sewerage system was publicly announced just days before Iceland opened on the Market Square.  Many retailers have been left furious by this, and fear the closure will result in further loss of trade

Local shop owner, Mark Dawson comment: “The last thing we need right now, especially in the current climate.  With the road closed pedestrians may chose to walk down the road when it’s busy instead of walking into our shop.  I can’t understand why they’re unable delay the works until the middle of winter.”

A spokesman for Anglian Waters explained: “Over the past few years a number of factors have caused the increased burden on the sewerage system.  These factors range from housing developments which have increased the population, to the increased waste being generated from part of the Priory quarters.  Whilst it’s possible the road closure may have a small effect to retailers, without the work there is a risk of the sewerage pouring into the proverbial fan shop.”

Casey Jones was not available for comment.

Tim Berners-Lee was unavailable for comment.

The call for action to be taken on the fencing comes amidst concerns that it is dangerous and makes the are look more unsightly.  The Town Council have been keen to point out it is the County Council’s responsibility to repair.

Local councillor Steven van der Steve was reported as saying; “We believe that it is in the public interest that the County Council make things safe by replacing the existing barrier.  This is one issue the Town Council feel strongly and will not be sitting on the fence about, particularly as the fence in question is rotten in parts.”

Reaction to the demand of local councillors has been mixed.  Local solicitor Irma Konnman commented “I fail to see why Town Councillors consider the fence to be unsightly, when it’s simply fitting in with the area behind.  As for it being dangerous it would be unfortunate for the County Council if someone had an injury and then wished to sue them”.

Handy Andy was unavailable for comment.

Prime Minister Geir Haarde’s aide Olaaf Davesson re-iterated earlier statements that the country, and it’s population, was staying put.

“I am as acutely aware as the rest of Europe,” said Davesson, “that the Icelandic economy has not been brilliant of late. But Iceland is a rich and diverse icy nation, and we won’t be moving into ex-Woolies stores any time soon. Especially now the free pick’n'mix has gone.”

A press officer for the country said, “You appear to have confused our great nation with a shit frozen food chain. For shame!”

As for the pick’n'mix, Davesson said that he was unaware you had to pay. People helping themselves to the sweets is said to be the main reason the hundred-year-old retailer closed down.

“Yep,” said Dave Bedejaz, 42. “They scorched the cash machine and the ceiling and all sorts, but all the money was safely intact.”

Bedejaz has since filed a patent for Fireproof Money, although he finds it difficult to explain why exactly the money itself cannot be set alight. “It’s nothing to do with the fact it’s in a very secure cash machine,” said Mr Bedejaz. “It must be the money itself.”

Bedejaz, recently divorced, plans to leave his lucrative retail management career to make a fortune fireproofing other people’s money. Town Council enterprise spokesman Warren Tutha Gee said, “It’s great to see the spirit of entrepreneurialism alive and well in St Neots. We’ll definitely submit Mr Bedejaz for a Huntingdonshire Chamber of Commerce award of some description.”
Story by Mr Rainbows