News In Brief
World Record Attempt By St Neots Youths
Local youths in St Neots are, according to a spokesman, attempting to break a world record in baking cakes. Over the past week teenagers have been seen coming out of shops with packs of eggs and flour. When questioned one anonymous fellow said, “Er, me and a load of others are planning to bake... »
Local Paper Lies
A local man was shocked last week when the Town Crier lied to him. Pete Jenkins, 34, of The Hives, picked up his free copy of the Town Crier from his doormat to be greeted with a full wrap-around advertisement for a local VW dealership. However, Jenkins was surprised to discover that the advert... »
Don't Die Yet, Says Council
Due to a shortage of burial plots the latest advice from the council is “don’t die yet”. The town council refused to pay for 10 acres of burial land after the price doubled. Counillor Miles said, “How anyone can expect us to pay twice the price when house prices are falling is ridiculous. Over... »
Town Recreates Past With Power Cut
Yesterday a power cut affecting about 1811 homes and businesses recreated the past by forcing people not to use computers or other electronics. Local shop workers had mixed views, with some complaining about having to think more, whilst others were delighted about having an excuse to go home early. A quick thinking spokesman for the... »
"Green Suburb" Doomed
St Neots Town Council today admitted that the proposed “Green Suburb” near Loves Farm was a non-starter. A spokesman said, “B&Q just don’t have that much green paint.” The DIY giant said that they would be happy to negotiate a discount on own-branded paints of other colours, but that a pink, blue and grey... »
"They're all CU**S" – Miles Spotted In Underpants!
The Citizen can exclusively report that “fragile” Councillor D Miles, 55, was yesterday escorted from the parapet of the town bridge by paramedics and police after being spotted by passers-by ranting and raving at no one in particular. Wearing just a scabby old pair of Westgates own brand underpants, MIles was apparently heard to... »
Creating More Traffic Could Get Dual Carriageway
It has been revealed that the propsed expansion of St Neots is part of an attempt to obtain finally get the much needed dualling of the A428. During a press conference Councillor Miles said, “In order to convince central government that the dualling is needed we have to create more traffic to use it,... »
CERN Experiment "Not Sexual"
CERN today re-iterated that their so-called “Big Bang Machine” had nothing to do with sex. Since like week bad jokes about the LHC, previously rumoured to be underneath St Neots, have proliferated in both internet and graffiti form. Spokesman Guillaume le Trec, for CERN, said, “We are very tired of this. Truly, we do... »
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