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Tuesday June 27th 2017

‘News In Brief’ Microfiche

Average Robbie Fan Old

Average Robbie Fan Old

The entertainment world was stunned today to learn that the average age of a Robbie Williams fan is now 52. Late last year, youth-oriented Radio 1 refused to add Williams’ single Candy to its playlists, citing the fact that Williams’ key demographic – who [Read More]

Van Driver Disappointed By Back Door

Van Driver Disappointed By Back Door

A white van driver has expressed his dismay at the lack of humourous scrawlings in the dust on his back doors. Fletcher Herlock, 35, began working for local firm Motorway Couriers three months ago and, having previously driven a grey van which did not show up dirt very [Read More]

Locals Unaware Of Name Change

Locals Unaware Of Name Change

A recent survey has shown that almost 85% of Neotians are unaware that St Neots Community College has become Ernulf Academy. The survey of a hundred people, conducted in December, revealed that 84.3% thought the Eastside school was still known by its old name, which [Read More]

Town Misses Torch

Town Misses Torch

St Neots residents today realised that they had definitely been bypassed by the Olympic torch relay, despite the flaming article in question having travelled through St Ives and Huntingdon nearly a week ago. Tens of people turned out in the county’s two smaller towns to [Read More]

Weather With Kevin

Weather With Kevin

Brand new Citizen weather correspondent gives us the latest on what the weather is doing right now. “It’s raining”. Thanks. [Read More]

Cockwaving Makes Welcome Return

Cockwaving Makes Welcome Return

St Neots welcomed this week  the return of local political one-upmanship, the Cock Wave. Since the disappearance of local award winning Cock-Waver extraordinaire Cllr Larry Hackman the town has found itself without a Self-Promotion Champion. All that changed this week as [Read More]

News & That Gets New Rozzer Picture

News & That Gets New Rozzer Picture

Regular readers of the online edition of the Cambridge Used-To-Be-In-The-Evening News were today shocked to discover a new standard police image on a story about something to do with a road. Traditionally, the website is too lazy to take pictures of anything relating to [Read More]

Citizen Returns From Summer Break

Citizen Returns From Summer Break

The Citizen today returned from it’s summer break, with reporters generally looking tanned, bored, and wondering whether that counted as summer. Editor Tim C said the summer recess was due to last until September, but there hadn’t really been enough summer. [Read More]

Candidates Quiet As Election Day Dawns

Candidates Quiet As Election Day Dawns

The Citizen were surprised that local councillors had been surprisingly quiet in the run-up to today’s elections. Only Militant Steve van der Whitevanman and Conservative opponent Harry “R” Rogerson had anything new to say, with the rest of the councillors [Read More]

Idiot Chavs “Nearly Killed Obama”

Idiot Chavs “Nearly Killed Obama”

Fresh reports from the scene of bin Laden’s death have revealed that the group of “hero-hoodies” from St Neots, who successfully carried out the assassination, nearly got the wrong man. Spokesman Darren Waynerightyeah was said to be [Read More]

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This Just In

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

New School Thief-Proof

New School Thief-Proof

South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

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