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Tuesday June 27th 2017

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Local Paper Lies

Local Paper Lies

A local man was shocked last week when the Town Crier lied to him. Pete Jenkins, 34, of The Hives, picked up his free copy of the Town Crier from his doormat to be greeted with a full wrap-around advertisement for a local VW dealership. However, Jenkins was surprised to [Read More]

Don’t Die Yet, Says Council

Don’t Die Yet, Says Council

Due to a shortage of burial plots the latest advice from the council is “don’t die yet”. The town council refused to pay for 10 acres of burial land after the price doubled.¬† Counillor Miles said, “How anyone can expect us to pay twice the price [Read More]

Town Recreates Past With Power Cut

Town Recreates Past With Power Cut

Yesterday a power cut affecting about 1811 homes and businesses recreated the past by forcing people not to use computers or other electronics. Local shop workers had mixed views, with some complaining about having to think more, whilst others were delighted about having [Read More]

“Green Suburb” Doomed

“Green Suburb” Doomed

St Neots Town Council today admitted that the proposed “Green Suburb” near Loves Farm was a non-starter. A spokesman said, “B&Q just don’t have that much green paint.” The DIY giant said that they would be happy to negotiate a discount on [Read More]

“They’re all CU**S” – Miles Spotted In Underpants!

“They’re all CU**S” – Miles Spotted In Underpants!

The Citizen can exclusively report that “fragile” Councillor D Miles, 55, was yesterday escorted from the parapet of the town bridge by paramedics and police after being spotted by passers-by ranting and raving at no one in particular. Wearing just a scabby old [Read More]

Creating More Traffic Could Get Dual Carriageway

Creating More Traffic Could Get Dual Carriageway

It has been revealed that the propsed expansion of St Neots is part of an attempt to obtain finally get the much needed dualling of the A428. During a press conference Councillor Miles said, “In order to convince central government that the dualling is needed we have [Read More]

CERN Experiment “Not Sexual”

CERN Experiment “Not Sexual”

CERN today re-iterated that their so-called “Big Bang Machine” had nothing to do with sex. Since like week bad jokes about the LHC, previously rumoured to be underneath St Neots, have proliferated in both internet and graffiti form. Spokesman Guillaume le Trec, [Read More]

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This Just In

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Town Gears Up For New Complaint

Neotians were this week beginning to prepare for 2014′s predicted favourite sport – namely, complaining [Read More]

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

Councillor Definitely Didn’t Say Nazi

District and county councillor Steve van der Whitevanman caused controversy this week after he definitely didn’t [Read More]

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Shocking Horse Meat Truth Revealed

Meat experts have today shocked the British public with the real reason behind the horse DNA contamination scandal. [Read More]

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Paper Reveals Reporterless Setup

Local newspaper the Cambridge Evening News In The Morning has revealed that it is going to sack all its reporters, [Read More]

New School Thief-Proof

New School Thief-Proof

South Cambs DC have revealed that new secondary school Cambourne Village College is designed with special anti-theft [Read More]

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