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Saturday April 29th 2017

Cats “Probably Won’t Get Thumbs”

In another people-scared-of-animals shocker, Expert Scientists have reassured Neotians that cats “probably won’t develop thumbs” any time soon.

The scare came after milk brand Cravendale released an advert showing gangs of thumb-clicking cats breaking in and pinching the triple-filtered cowjuice.

“I was fucking terrified,” said Eynesbury man Maurice Ruggles, 32. “It was on Channel 4 so I thought it was a documentary. I haven’t left the house for a week!”

Expert Scientists were quick to rule out feline opposable digits. “As far as I can tell,” said ‘a researcher’, “this is just an advert and not an exposé on how kittens are going to take over the world.”

Just to be on the safe side, this reporter recommends some sort of digital lock on your fridge. “Cats are clever alright,” said local vet Cromwell Linclare, “but they can’t string number together for toffee. Or milk. So if they are evolving in such a manner, a pin-operated refrigerator will sort the buggers out! After all, there’s no real way to be sure…”

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

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