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Saturday June 24th 2017

Champagne Shoplifter “Had No Taste”

Champagne-PoppingLocal supermarket managers have spoken out about the recent spate of theft of sparkly French booze, revealing that the so-called Champagne Shoplifter had “little or no taste”.

The Evening News In The Morning reported yesterday that Robert Pinata of Bedford had been banned from a number of local stores, including Waitrose and Co-Op, after applying a five-finger discount to the delightfully bubbly wine totalling more than £1,200.

However, duty manager Martin Blackboard, of St Neots’ Waitrose store, said that in fact, Pinata had mostly been targetting lower-end wobble water.

“I watched him do it,” said Blackboard, “so that I could chase him down and tackle him to the ground. He was perusing our really pricey stuff, as well as the mid-range like Moet & Chandon – which we no longer keep in a pretty cabinet. But every time, he was taking some sort of ‘English sparkling wine’ or ‘Champagne-style drink’ – you know, the sort of thing we only sell in Waitrose in case someone from a council estate wins a hundred quid on a scratch card.”

Pinata, who travelled from Bedford to St Neots on the Mighty X5, was said to be disappointed. “My mate Darren told me Moet was the best in the world,” he said. “I think he may have been shitting me. And the headache after drinking all that – Jesus.”

It is suggested that, in future, lower-class criminals stick to two-litre bottles of Blue WKD and cherry Lambrini.

Francisco Sanchez

Francisco joined the team in March 2010, and quickly became one of the highest-contributing reporters whilst not actually writing any features.

Sanchez is a “militant smoker”, often lighting up in bars and restaurants and then running away as quickly as his wrinkled lungs allow, in a never-ending homage to Neg’s Urban Sports from an episode of Balls Of Steel.

He is also a militant car-parker, militant bus-passenger, militant pedestrian and militant toenail-picker.

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