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Monday February 18th 2019

Chav Superhighway Funding Exclusive

As the bridge is opened over the Great Ouse, St Neots Citizen has uncovered the missing funding donor for the Eynesbury to Eatons Chav Superhighway.

It appears that the unaccounted-for money, to the tune of a Rowley Million, has been put forward by a consortium made up of Bedfordshire Police and Cambridgeshire Constabulary.

Chief Inspector Kim Stonely-Bolton, from Cambs Police, released the following statement after presenting him with our findings.

“Cambs Police had help to co-fund this bridge with our colleagues over the border to help in our current campaign, ‘Operation Collar a Chav called Kevin’, or ‘CACK’. The St Neotian chav is not the brightest of the chav species inhabiting this island, and will always take the shortest, most direct route home after a bit of thieving, vandalism or fighting – not bothering to circuitously avoid the Rozzers at all.

“Regular trips into Little Barford to burn out a car prompted Beds Police to help in the bridge’s funding. Once on this highway we can easily pick them up at the other end.”

Mrs Moore from from Huddersfield, holidaying in the Eynesbury Camp Site, is not so convinced. “They will just run down the side of this lovely little camp site, ruining a good swinging session or an early night. The last thing we want is that blasted helicopter hanging over us”

Ex-councilor Julia Wayward thought the idea was “Excellent,” but added “Please don’t call me again. I only left the council so the Citizen would leave me alone.”

With the darker nights soon to be coming, it is expected the bridge will become busier by the day – once Darren and his mates have smashed all the lights, of course.

A.J Oke

A.J Oke is an Eastsider who actually graduated, from the St Neots Library University with a pass in English and Journalism in 2003.

He is a sociable type who likes to look for a scoop wherever he can find it. A keen follower of all our local celebrities – that’s follower, and definitely not stalker. The restraining order against Mark Faster is purely an administrative error.

His passion is chav spotting, with multiple volumes of St Neotian chavs and a little black book of the easiest Chavettes.


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