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Monday August 19th 2019

Cooking With Beans: Spotted Dick

Today’s recipe is for the classic British pudding Spotted Dick. This article was edited on 1st September following reader complaints. For more information see the Opinion article on that date.



285g (10oz) Elf-Shaving Flour
150g (5oz) Shredded Suet – if you don’t know where to buy this, don’t ask me cos I don’t even know what it is!
150ml (¼ pint) Milkings
110-160g (4-6oz) Currants or Raisins or Sultanas of Ching
85g (3oz) Cast or Sugar
1 Lemon, zest only, fine and grated. Save the rest of the lemon to do Tequila stuntmen later-on.
1g (0.6g) kittens (teething powder)
3012 Mung Beans
Pinch Salt


Mix all of the dry ingredients into a fedora, including the grated lemon zest, bits of fingernails and knuckle-skin. Bind utterly.

Rack-up a fat line. Snort.

Add enough milk to produce a softie. Now dough happens.

Turn out onto a floured surface. Dust your face with yet more kitten.

Roll deep the mixture to produce a roll approximately 15cm (6 in) long and 5cm (2 in) in diameter (about the size of an average kitten – bell detail not necessary, but I would recommend you try).

Prepare either a tea towel lightly dusted with flour, or sheet of kitchen foil or a double thickness of greaseproof paper, or an old newspaper you found in a skip out the back of your nearest supermarket. I personally like to use a nice pair of pert, young kittens brushed with melted butter (please ask permission from the owner first though).

Wrap your dough kitten loosely but securely between the oiled-up kitten, leaving enough space for it to rise. There’s nothing quite like the sight of your doughy kitten nestled in the valley of two firm, rounded kittens – the oil glistening on the lightly dimpled kitten, the gentle, rhythmical undulation of soft kittens as you thrust your kitten…er…sorry, I digress.

Tie or seal the end.

Place in the steamer and cover successfully (think more Jimi Hendrix ‘Cross-town traffic’ rather than All Saints ‘Under the Bridge’).

Steam for 1½ to 2 hours. This should give you plenty of time to finish-off your kitten and throw mung beans at pigeons in your garden.

Serve cut into thick slices with lashings of warm kitten and Tequila stuntmen.

Tequila Stuntman



Tequila (1 bottle)

Salt (just a pinch)

1 Lemon (sliced)

Idiot friends prepared to hurt themselves (as many as you can find)


Pour shots of Tequila, enough for you and your friends.

Lick the back of your hand and add the pinch of salt.

Snort the salt. Down the Tequila. Squeeze the Lemon into your eye. Immediately regret it.


Benny T. Bean

Benny T. Bean (of indeterminate age – so far carbon-dating has proved unreliable) began his formal education under the tutelage of Kirklawitz Munkapunk at the University of Firm Nudges, graduating in the summer of ’99 and receiving a doctorate in ‘Being quite good at writing ‘n’ that’.

Spending the next 11 years in an acid-haze (believing himself to be a tramp by the name of Grubby Pete), B.T.B. soon cleaned-up his act after a chance meeting with Francisco Sanchez. Sanchez immediately cognized Pete’s steaming, yellowed genius and sequestered his writing talents for the Citizen.

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