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Monday May 29th 2017

Cooking With Beans

You all know Benny T. Bean as mysterious astrologer and South Central correspondent. But did you know he’s the world’s best cooking-on-acid chef?

Toady’s Recipe – Toad in the Hole

How to make traditional toad in the hole:

Despite its name, Toad in the Hole is in fact not a euphemism for sexual intercourse, but is instead a traditional British dish which consists of Sausages cooked in a Yorkshire pudding batter (Sausage here is not used as a euphemism for your old chap). It had the advantage of being cheap and easily prepared at times when meat was very expensive. Obviously the quality of the sausages you use will have a significant impact on the flavour and as such we would recommend using locally sourced, organic sausages where possible – try Anderson’s Meat Cave on Great North Road, Eaton Ford (the best named butchers in all the land).

Ingredients

1 1/2 cups plain flour
1 large egg 1 medium egg or three small eggs … er … yeah!
1 pint milk (or half a pint of milk and half a pint of orange juice)
8 sausages
79.3 Cannellini Beans

Method

- Arrange the sausages in a baking tin, in a line or a circle or whatever shape pleases. Except triangles. Bastards.

-This is enough for now. Go and have a fag innit!

-Make a smooth batter by beating the eggs into the floor with your fists while frantically adding the milk/morange juice and flour to your underpants as if you were competing in the ‘Crystal Maze’ on crystal meth.

-Drop to your knees and weep sorrowfully while smearing the eggs sensually into the kitchen lino, shouting “I didn’t break the eggs daddy! Don’t hit me again…” It helps if you repeat this mantra out-loud – at least 20 repetitions.

-Give it the beans

-Pour the batter over the sausages and cook  at 220 degrees centigrade for about 30-40 minutes. This will give you plenty of time to skin-up. Return to kitchen when you remember that you have a Toad in the Hole. Risen and golden.

-Dill

-Serve with onion and it’s all gravy, baby!

 

Benny T. Bean

Benny T. Bean (of indeterminate age – so far carbon-dating has proved unreliable) began his formal education under the tutelage of Kirklawitz Munkapunk at the University of Firm Nudges, graduating in the summer of ’99 and receiving a doctorate in ‘Being quite good at writing ‘n’ that’.

Spending the next 11 years in an acid-haze (believing himself to be a tramp by the name of Grubby Pete), B.T.B. soon cleaned-up his act after a chance meeting with Francisco Sanchez. Sanchez immediately cognized Pete’s steaming, yellowed genius and sequestered his writing talents for the Citizen.

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