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Thursday July 18th 2019

Council Have New Site For Cinema

St Neots Town Council today got themselves all in a tizz over the news that a new site may be made available for their white elephant cinema project, as ATS Euromaster announced their Brook Street site would close.

hope-cinema-entrance“Well that’d be ideal wouldn’t it,” said self-thinking Eynesbury councillor Terrence Dougall. “I thought the old fire station was brilliantly inconvenient as a location, but ATS… well, it’s at the end of a one-way street, right near a residential development which floods lots. Perfect.”

Local residents were not so impressed. “What a pisstake,” said Navigation Wharf resident Jonathan Pepper, 42. “When I moved here I thought it would be posh, cos the road’s name ends in Wharf. I don’t want a ruddy great cinema over the road, it’s bad enough that there’s that riff-raff pub.”

Ignoring the fact the Woolpack has been on the site a lot longer than his yuppy townhouse, Pepper continued. “Clearly the place to put something like a cinema is in the town, where it can attract the maximum chavvy scum without the danger of someone parking in front of my house. I mean really, what is the world coming to.”

The council has been harping on about a cinema ever since millionaire Lord of the Manor Peter Rowley offered them a million pounds to do what they want with, despite the fact that cinemas are built by companies, not councils. Plans currently afoot see the cinema, two fast-food outlets and a restaurant built on the tiny site of the old fire station in Huntingdon Street. “Fucking brilliant,” commented one local wag. “What they gonna have, a plasma screen and a burger van? Nah, even that wouldn’t fit.”

Rowley could not be reached for comment.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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