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Thursday July 18th 2019

Council Praised For Innovative Eco-Friendly Lighting

St Neots Town Council was today smiling all over its usual miserable face after the EU gave it a big pat on the back for the hundreds of eco-friendly Christmas light displays installed in the town centre.

Despite popular belief that almost no lights have been put up following a massive balls-up two years ago when a woman was thumped on the head with a falling cross-street display, the council revealed that in fact approximately fifty gantries have been put up over the High Street, but they are not visible to the naked eye.

“It’s the perfect solution,” said council leader Julia Wayward. “We found out about some obscure EU funding for reducing the town’s overall electricity consumption. We based the savings on the festive illuminations from 2001 to 2005, and worked out how much we’re saving now.

“The grant doesn’t apply to towns who merely put up less lights, so we installed a shitload of invisible lights across the High Street, Market Square and New Street, slashing the power bill by 80% year-on-year.”

Local residents were relived that their lights were not the crappest in the county for the third year running, following the 2007 incident. “Well,” commented Penwryn Court resident Jake Cornswalez, “We may not be able to see the lights, but now we know they are there, we can thumb our noses at those superior fuckers in Huntingdon once more.”

A spokesman for the EU said, “Obviously it was difficult to judge just how eco-friendly the invisible lights are, but when the council showed us that they used exactly zero electricity, we were more than happy to pay the full £14m grant.” It is thought that after deductions the council will receive approximately £18.32.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

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