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Saturday September 23rd 2017

Councillors Back Cable Car

Ever ready to throw their weight behind a doomed business that should actually be down to a commercial operation, local councillors today came out in support of former council leader Derek Miles’ latest madcap scheme.

“Basically,” said Eynesbury activist Councillor Steve van der Whitevanman, “it’s a cable car across the Ouse. No point trying to dress up a brilliant idea like that!”

Miles, who has a history of ill-advised outbursts and is the only known sufferer of American Soap Syndrome, is said to have come up with the scheme to link Eynesbury with the Eatons after reading about a similar idea recently given the go ahead by London mayor Boris Johnson. “I can’t see why anyone would want to go to Greenwich,” said Miles, “but seemingly there is massive support for a cable car linking two shitholes across a river – so why not?”

Ignoring for a moment the fact that our capital city attracts hundreds of thousands of tourists a year, and that Greenwich alone has a population many times that of St Neots and is undergoing extensive redevelopment, he continued that “a cable car will be loads more interesting than a fucking bridge. People will come from miles – ha ha – around to travel on the system which will run from Shakespeare Road to Barford Road, taking approximately nine minutes. We’ll charge three quid a go, and it’ll be paid for in no time!”

People using the new transport link would have an uninterrupted view as far as the Little Barford power station and Tesco to the south, and Little Paxton sluice to the north. It is thought that within minutes of the scheme being made public a badly-punctuated Facebook group will spring up, attracting around seven members which the national press will seize upon as “unprecedented support”.

Miles was said to have arranged a meeting with Johnson on Monday to discuss the possibility of switching his cable car for St Neots’ long-awaited bridge. No-one at the Mayor of London’s office was available for comment.

Citizen Editor

The Citizen Editor lives in Citizen Towers, on the town’s luxurious Westside. Rumoured to be nearly thirty, he has claimed to be 23 for the last few years and is currently also a grotty tax-dodging student.

His hobbies involve upsetting small villages and repeatedly giving up smoking. He drinks approximately a gallon of tea every day.

Citizenship

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